humor

Yo-gatta Try This: On Yoga and Letting Go Of Lasagna

Yoga. For some, this word conjures up images of peaceful relaxation: Deep, intentional breaths taken and released into the vastness of the universe, with the grace of a white dove soaring through a crimson sky. For others, the word triggers an image of something more along the lines of hot, synchronized, expensive group exercise for skinny college girls, and lean-muscled men. And for others, like myself, when someone says yoga, I think of yogurt. Frozen yogurt, more specifically, pumped into a paper cup by a machine that always makes it look like a surprisingly appetizing little turd, and covered in six dollars worth of cookie crumbs and chocolate chips, (more…)

Harsh Realities That Are Only Realized At 3am…

Being pregnant and not being able to sleep has some real perks… like finally realizing I will never actually be in charge of how things go in this house. But at least I have two happy cats and one mostly happy toddler.

You Might Be Potty Training If…

I recently wrote a post about the 20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My Kid To Use The Potty. While the majority of it was highly sarcastic, as with most of what I write, there was a degree of truth woven in and out of the silliness. It seemed, at times, that Baby 1.0 was ready to potty train, but when it came time to actually deposit anything other than toys into the toilet, it was a no-go, and cracking the code that unlocked the mysterious conditions of her random successes seemed about on par with deciphering Enigma. (more…)

“Why Are You Naked?” And Other Ridiculous Questions I Ask Every Day

Parenting, it seems, is a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. You know, that Bill Murray classic from the 90s where he is stuck in the same day for nearly 34 years (no seriously, I googled it)? Not only do you spend a portion of each day silently wondering if you’ve lost your marbles, but you often find yourself repeating things, specifically stupid, unanswerable questions, over, and over, and over again, ad nauseam. And what questions would one possibly ask multiple times every day for 27 months and still not have an answer? Here’s a sampling. (more…)

The Worst Toy In The World

I can only imagine the conversation went a little something like this:

Fisher: Dude. You know what would be really funny? If we made a toy that kids LOVED but drove parents absolutely crazy.

Price: Duuuuude! That is a great idea. Let’s see, it should be loud…

Fisher: Yes, but instead of bells or whistles, or even an annoying song, I say we really take it to the limit. I’m thinking muted gunshots. Like the L.A. Prison riots, but in a kid-friendly form. (more…)

The State In Which I Spend Most Of My Mondays

taskatonic

20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My 2-Year-Old To Use The Potty

  1. Mercury must be in retrograde. Jupiter must also be ascending. Additionally, a bad moon should be on the rise.
  2. The bathroom must smell as fresh as a meadow in spring, and not by the use of artificial air fresheners, but rather by a rotating selection of fresh, organic herbs, handpicked and bundled with a short length of periwinkle, velvet ribbon.
  3. The overall wattage of the lighting must not exceed 120 watts.
  4. The temperature of the bathroom must remain between 72.5 and a generous 72.7 degrees at all times. Showers must be postponed, as the steam will most certainly push the temperature out of the desired -nay- mandatory range.
  5. A virgin sheep must concurrently be in the process of being shorn, somewhere within a 1,000 mile radius. (more…)