Parenting, it seems, is a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. You know, that Bill Murray classic from the 90s where he is stuck in the same day for nearly 34 years (no seriously, I googled it)? Not only do you spend a portion of each day silently wondering if you’ve lost your marbles, but you often find yourself repeating things, specifically stupid, unanswerable questions, over, and over, and over again, ad nauseam. And what questions would one possibly ask multiple times every day for 27 months and still not have an answer? Here’s a sampling.
Why is this sticky?
Perhaps the real question here is, do I really want to know?
Why are you yelling?
Toddlers, it seems, are performing a longstanding longitudinal study testing to see if contrary to what you say, yelling WILL actually get them what they want. It’s too early to tell, but depending on how you run the data it’s looking like there could be a correlation between volume used and acquisition of desired item.
Why is this wet?
Is it pee? Water? Bubble juice? Vomit? There’s only one way to find out. Give it a sniff, then give it a spray and repeat after me: Pee is 95% water. Vomit? Not so much.
Where are your shoes/socks/pants?
Let’s just say that if we had a parrot, I believe “Where are your pants?” would probably be it’s first sentence.
Why won’t you go to sleep?
This one is typically asked in the most whiney, pathetic and hopeless voice one could possibly imagine, usually about an hour after bedtime has been initiated, stories have been read, child has been rocked, and milk has been fetched, all to no avail. It is often followed by my all-time favorite stupid question:
Why are you naked?
To which the most common response is also a question, posed by the naked toddler sitting in bed: “Where’d my diaper go?” I can’t make this shit up.
I have listened to The Little Mermaid sing about her goddamn gadgets and gizmos A PLENTY (ya see what I did there?), yet every time we get in the car, the same request is made. “Mermaid song?” And every time I ask, “Again? Really?”
How did you get that?
Never underestimate the ingenuity of a toddler who has had something of value taken away, and placed in a location thought to be high enough to be out of reach.
Do you understand?
Stupidly, oh so stupidly, I ask this question every day. “This is the last serving of yogurt, not because Mommy is holding out and being a jerk, but because after I give you this, we are literally out of yogurt. This. Is. It. No more yogurt after this. Do you understand?” I ask hopefully. “I understand,” she says with a smile. Thinking I have gotten through to her, I dish up the last spoonful, and then crumple to the ground, like a deflate-gate football, when she looks up at me, a confused look on her face, and says, “More?”