Month: June 2015

A Big F-You to Mom Guilt and Enjoying Every Second

Mom Guilt. It’s everywhere, weaving its sticky tentacles in and out of everything we need to do, want to do, and end up not doing, all because some nostalgic Hallmark mom keeps pointing out, “It goes by so fast! Treasure every second.” Well I’m here to give Mom Guilt the swift kick in the ass it deserves, before it convinces yet another mom to give up on doing something she loves, just so she can spend every waking second with little Junior, lest she miss him finally figuring out where boogers come from. (more…)

The Thought Process of a Toddler At Snack Time

Oh my gaaaawd, Mommymommymommymoooooooommmmmy, I am so hungry! It’s been a full 20 minutes since I was last offered a sub-par snack, which, due to it’s sub-par nature, I declined by dumping it in the kitty water bowl. Phew, dodged that bullet! Just FYI, last I checked, I wasn’t on a hunger strike, so let’s make this snack prep snappy. (more…)

“I Survived The Daily Shit Show”

You’ve probably heard of the show, “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.” It aired on Discovery or something a few years back, and chronicled stories of people who survived crazy situations where, you guessed it, they shouldn’t be alive to detail their experience. Stories like people being stuck in cars buried in snow banks for 5 days in subzero temperatures, surviving off a couple of old jelly bellies for food and using a box of maxi pads for warmth. (more…)

I am someone who carries around a bucket full o’ irrational fears with me most days. This bucket ‘o fears is less about feeling anxious, and more about feeling prepared for the unexpected. What would I do, for example, if the wheel fell off the car when I was driving down the highway? How would I subdue an injured flamingo that had escaped the zoo? Where would I bring a bag of money that I suspected had been stolen from a bank without being accused of being the bank robber? (more…)

Oh The Horror! Why Every Horror Movie Made Is Obviously About Toddlers

Many people have made the claim that toddlers are like zombies, and that motherhood is like the Walking Dead. I get it. The drool, the incoherent babble, their constant pursuit and desire to bite… yes, I see the connection between toddlers and zombies. But I’m going to take it a step further and suggest that nearly every horror movie out there, in some way, shape, or form, is inspired by the behavior of our crotchety crotch fruit. (more…)

I’m Ron Burgundy? Finding My Way Through My Parental Identity Crisis

I think I am having an identity crisis. It started very simply, with me recently deciding I had nothing to wear to a concert. It wasn’t just any concert, but a concert being played at a venue on the busy avenue that serves our local university. I knew the crowd would be primarily hip, young, college kids, and for some reason, I was feeling a lot of pressure to look cool. (more…)