Oh The Horror! Why Every Horror Movie Made Is Obviously About Toddlers

Many people have made the claim that toddlers are like zombies, and that motherhood is like the Walking Dead. I get it. The drool, the incoherent babble, their constant pursuit and desire to bite… yes, I see the connection between toddlers and zombies. But I’m going to take it a step further and suggest that nearly every horror movie out there, in some way, shape, or form, is inspired by the behavior of our crotchety crotch fruit.

Cujo– The scene where the dog is trying to break into the car was obviously written by someone who made the mistake of closing the bathroom door, in hopes of trying to go on their own.

cujo-attack-2

“How dare you pee alone! I thought you LOVED me?”

Aliens– The scene where the alien is licking Sigourney Weaver’s face? Clearly dreamt up by someone who has tried to co-sleep with a toddler who was testing them out to see if they were awake.

sigourney weaver

“Mommy? I know you aren’t sleeping. Can we play trains or maybe nurse for the next 8 hours?”

Jaws– Every single day, I stand in the kitchen deflecting bites from my hungry, teething toddler. Obviously I’m not alone, because if you squint, the mast of that boat sure looks like a kitchen stool. Amiright?

jaws

“I want a bar or eggs or a banana or yogurt or grapes or apples or cheese or anything except whatever you are making even if I already said I wanted it, and I want it NOW!”

The Exorcist– I’m going to go out on a limb here, and actually suggest this whole movie is about a cute little baby going through their terrible twos. The pea soup scene? I think we’ve all been there when we thought we were being sneaky by putting pureed vegetable into their beloved fruit smoothie.

The exorcist

“This smoothie tastes like one half of a spinach leaf. You will PAY!”

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde– I mean if this isn’t about a toddler before and after nap, then what is it about?

Dr. Jeckyll

If only they could nap through their terrible twos…

28 Days Later– The rage virus is real. It breeds in toddlers. There is no cure other than time. Enough said.

28 days later

Spoiler alert, this will be our 2015 Christmas card…

Pet Sematary– The writers of Pet Sematary didn’t mince words when they created post-death, angry Gage. Every toddler has the ability to turn this on. Some just haven’t figured it out yet.

pet-sematary-remake-1

“I said the BLUE sippy cup!”

The Blair Witch Project– The big scary ending. You know, the one where they guy is standing in the corner, while the woman screams at him and he doesn’t respond? This is how my day ends, every day, except I’m standing in front of the fridge, binge eating the first thing that appears in my hand, while my toddler dances around behind me screaming, “Mommmmmy!” 13,892,928,384,473,191,284,848,382 times. My money is on one of the writers having a kid named Blair.

blair witch project

“Mommy hears you. I still hear you. Just let me eat all of this expired horseradish first.”

Rosemary’s Baby– I would be remiss to not mention the original evil baby movie. While Adrian never gets a chance to really show off his full potential as Satan’s spawn, I think we all know what he would be capable of.

Flipping off

Seems about right…

Got any others I didn’t think of? Share them in the comments!

Image credits: Cujo, Aliens, Jaws, The Exorcist, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 28 Days Later, The Blair Witch Project, Toddler bird flipper. 

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