Month: October 2015

Do You Wanna Take An Ambien?

Funny things happen to a brain around 3am, especially when your kid has been on a Frozen kick, and you’ve been listening to the songs on repeat for 2 straight months. Any adult who has lived through an Arandelle addiction can attest to how the songs go from pretty to psychosis-inducing at an alarmingly rapid rate. Since convincing our kids to listen to anything else is the definition of impossible, as the song Do You Wanna Build A Snowman asks, what are we going to do? Write a parody, naturally. (more…)

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The Best Sleep Advice Nobody Will Give You

This week I came across the nine dumbest words to ever be strung together in the history of written language. Shockingly the source wasn’t the latest bout of verbal diarrhea from Donald Trump’s Twitter feed, nor was it anything to do with bacon causing cancer. Instead the offending ennead (crossword puzzles, for the win!) came from an article about babies and sleep making the social media rounds. Upon reading the offending nine words, my first reaction was to laugh, which I did heartily. But then the reality set in: Those nine words are toxic, and as funny as they are to me now, had I read them in the midst of my own sleep issues with Baby 1.0, they would have sent me into a tailspin of dread and despair. And what nine words could possibly have that kind of power?

“Every baby is capable of sleeping through the night.” 

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“Why Are You Naked?” And Other Ridiculous Questions I Ask Every Day

Parenting, it seems, is a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. You know, that Bill Murray classic from the 90s where he is stuck in the same day for nearly 34 years (no seriously, I googled it)? Not only do you spend a portion of each day silently wondering if you’ve lost your marbles, but you often find yourself repeating things, specifically stupid, unanswerable questions, over, and over, and over again, ad nauseam. And what questions would one possibly ask multiple times every day for 27 months and still not have an answer? Here’s a sampling. (more…)

This Is A Judgement-Free Zone

“C-section?”

This little booger was sandwiched in between the normal compliments and congratulations found in the comment section of the birth announcement of a friend of mine who had a baby over the weekend. The poor woman hasn’t even been a mother long enough to get baby poop on her couch, and already she’s dealing with this crap. (more…)

The Worst Toy In The World

I can only imagine the conversation went a little something like this:

Fisher: Dude. You know what would be really funny? If we made a toy that kids LOVED but drove parents absolutely crazy.

Price: Duuuuude! That is a great idea. Let’s see, it should be loud…

Fisher: Yes, but instead of bells or whistles, or even an annoying song, I say we really take it to the limit. I’m thinking muted gunshots. Like the L.A. Prison riots, but in a kid-friendly form. (more…)

A Not-So-Average Family Guide On How To Avoid Spending $156 On Halloween

$156. Let me spell that out for you so it really sinks in: One hundred and fifty-six dollars. According to the Today show, that’s how much the average family will spend on Halloween this year. And what exactly does this cover? One kids costume, one bag of candy, a pumpkin, and decorations. I’m not sure where the Today show staff are shopping, or how they determine who the “average” families are who are spending this insane amount of money on two hours of sugar-fueled legal trespassing, but hearing this number I nearly soiled my britches. (more…)