You Might Be Potty Training If…

I recently wrote a post about the 20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My Kid To Use The Potty. While the majority of it was highly sarcastic, as with most of what I write, there was a degree of truth woven in and out of the silliness. It seemed, at times, that Baby 1.0 was ready to potty train, but when it came time to actually deposit anything other than toys into the toilet, it was a no-go, and cracking the code that unlocked the mysterious conditions of her random successes seemed about on par with deciphering Enigma.


What do you get when you put a Beenie Baby and a Q-Tip in the potty? Nothing. You get nothing.

And then Friday happened.

What actually changed on Friday, I will never know, but all of a sudden something clicked and now business is booming, or, more realistically, dribbling out over the course of 25 minutes of Frozen songs and patty cake. But predicting when it will all go down has put us on high alert, and in this state of constant readiness, standards are slipping. A little too vague for you? Anyone who is currently heading down this path, and anyone who has already been might have an idea of what I’m referring to, but for those of you who haven’t yet traversed the magical yellow brick bath mat, here’s a few hints you might be potty training:

There are pull-up diapers everywhere, the cleanliness of which are questionable. Wouldn’t want to throw one of those bad boys away if they are still clean, but who has time to check them all at the rate they are flying off that itty bitty bottom?

There is a potty chair in your living room. Sometimes 10 feet is 9 too many when you feel the urge.

There are more clothes on the floor than in the dresser. Because only animals wear clothes while they go potty, and only rabid animals limit their wardrobe to one outfit a day.

By the end of the day, odds are you have someone else’s urine on your calves/ankles/feet. Apparently the only way to celebrate a successful trip to the loo is to jump up immediately after finishing, and sit on a nearby lap. Naked, naturally.

You received a noise violation from your apartment complex for wildly celebrating the very first poop ever deposited in the toilet, which was rightly declared to be a Holy Shit.

holy shit

You eat breakfast as a family in the bathroom. Also sometimes lunch. And often dinner. It’s also where you catch up on the news, create your grocery list, plan your future and question the meaning of life. 

You spend 4 hours of your awake time sitting on the bathroom floor reading stories and singing songs with a small naked person, and you don’t think it’s weird. Weird? No. Boring? Very yes.

In public, you constantly find yourself clarifying that you did not just poop in the potty after your kid told the cashier, the bagger and the stocking clerk at the store about your alleged accomplishment. I mean, maybe you did, but you certainly don’t need a high-five from the meat guy.

You believe your kid when they go pee on the toilet, and 15 seconds later tell you they need to go again. And again. Aaaaand again.

You think Let It Go is actually about someone who was on the verge of crapping their pants in public, and then just pulled the trigger and did it because they could no longer contain the swirling storm inside (but heaven knows they tried!). I know, I’ve been on a hell of a Frozen kick these days. See here for my parody of Do You Want To Build A Snowman, Do You Wanna Take An Ambien.

Image Credits: Potty and Holy Shit belong to HMDHM, cover image credits here.


  1. HA! You hit the nail on the head with this one. We, too, had a potty in our living room. Sometimes it was in the basement. Sometimes it was in a bedroom (no room was too sacred for the “Toddlerhood of the Traveling Potty”). I’m so relieved to know that it’s not just my kids who strip naked to use the toilet and put on a different set of clothes afterward!


  2. Oh lordy. I’m feeling your pain right now, lady. By which I mean – congrats on the breakthrough, but man there’s still a lot of input required, isn’t there??

    Hilarious post, though! ‘Holy shit’ made me giggle!


    1. SO. MUCH. INPUT. And so much patience. But progress none the less. I hope you guys are also reaching similar milestones. I’ll think of you the next time I sing Let It Go, without music, for the 30th time in a row, seated on a cold bathroom floor. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! I’m going through this faze with my Little right now. The first time I tried to get her to use a public toilet she screamed so loud and long I thought someone was going to call CPS on me. Good luck!


  4. LOL! Love these!! We put the potty back in the bathroom, my son doesn’t sit on it anymore. He prefers the toilet when I can get them to go but I hope that we made a break through this week because he asked to wear underwear and managed to stay dry all day.

    The potty will be out of the bathroom soon and back to being in every other place in the house because my daughter will be potty training soon! Please give me strength! UGH!!!!


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