20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My 2-Year-Old To Use The Potty

  1. Mercury must be in retrograde. Jupiter must also be ascending. Additionally, a bad moon should be on the rise.
  2. The bathroom must smell as fresh as a meadow in spring, and not by the use of artificial air fresheners, but rather by a rotating selection of fresh, organic herbs, handpicked and bundled with a short length of periwinkle, velvet ribbon.
  3. The overall wattage of the lighting must not exceed 120 watts.
  4. The temperature of the bathroom must remain between 72.5 and a generous 72.7 degrees at all times. Showers must be postponed, as the steam will most certainly push the temperature out of the desired -nay- mandatory range.
  5. A virgin sheep must concurrently be in the process of being shorn, somewhere within a 1,000 mile radius. sheep
  6. One must remain calm and not make eye contact when making petty requests, such as “please don’t pee on my arm,” and “WHOA! Don’t touch that it’s a pube.”
  7. One must correctly predict if the desired throne will be the training potty, or the full size potty. There is a 50/50 chance, and no hints will be given prior to the decision being made. Selection of the wrong device will result in immediate refusal to use the potty, and a guarantee of a bowel movement within the next 17 seconds.
  8. No commercial planes, seagulls or crows must be flying overhead. Pigeons and historical aircraft pre-WWII are acceptable.
  9. Nobody should be wearing any socks.
  10. An audience of at least 4 stuffed animals and 1 living cat must remain still and attentive throughout the whole process.
  11. It must be the first Tuesday, the second Monday, the third Saturday or the fourth Friday of any month ending in a Y for potty usage to even be considered. Any other day potty usage is out of the question. Unless, of course, it’s raining, in which case only Thursdays are possible.
  12. A deer and an antelope must be playing somewhere on a range, where a buffalo also happens to be roaming.
  13. The library must be closed. library-closed-400x300
  14. Organic bananas must be on sale at Whole Foods.
  15. One-third of the doors in your house must be open.
  16. The kitchen rug must be slightly askew, in a counter-clockwise fashion.
  17. The phone mustn’t ring for 15 minutes before or after any attempts at going potty are made. Texting, going on Facebook, or checking the weather are also forbidden.
  18. A parent must desperately need to use the bathroom at the same time.
  19. A blood relative must simultaneously be discovering an unsightly chin hair.
  20. A double rainbow must be gracefully arcing over a pod of albino dolphins who are escorting an orphaned beluga whale to it’s new family.

Credits: cover image, sheep, library sign


  1. Our old nanny literally laughed in my face when I bought a potty when Sammy was 18 months. A year later we are almost there! Biggest tip, stop trying!


  2. Oh my, I literally laughed out loud with this one! Potty training is the worst! Lilly is almost 2 and refuses to even look at a potty much less sit on it 😦


  3. Well I am happy to report that seven days a week between the hours of 6am and 10pm, I can find a chin hair should Baby 1.0 enquire.


  4. Really got me laughing :). I dont even call it training anymore. More like potty dusting. nearly 8 months now I have trained him zilch, nada, zero. Not even bothering at the mom :)))


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