Parenting

The State In Which I Spend Most Of My Mondays

What Would You Do? The Spring Roll vs Pipe Bomb Incident

Picture this:

It’s a Friday, mid-day, and you are greedily wolfing down the cold, slobbery leftover mac and cheese your toddler fervently requested, and then promptly declined, but not before drooling on at least 2/3 of the plate like some kind of out of control Pavlovian test subject. You stand looking out your dining room window, lamenting your lack of self-control, watching the school kids across the street playing some sort of game that makes them all sound like broken tornado sirens, and then something strange catches your eye: A man, placing a package into the bushes that border the school, 30 feet from where the kids are playing. You watch him as he quickly but carefully arranges it so it is hidden from sight, and then looks around to make sure nobody is watching. He then jumps on his bike and rides off. (more…)

20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My 2-Year-Old To Use The Potty

Mercury must be in retrograde. Jupiter must also be ascending. Additionally, a bad moon should be on the rise.
The bathroom must smell as fresh as a meadow in spring, and not by the use of artificial air fresheners, but rather by a rotating selection of fresh, organic herbs, handpicked and bundled with a short length of periwinkle, velvet ribbon.
The overall wattage of the lighting must not exceed 120 watts.
The temperature of the bathroom must remain between 72.5 and a generous 72.7 degrees at all times. Showers must be postponed, as the steam will most certainly push the temperature out of the desired -nay- mandatory range.
A virgin sheep must concurrently be in the process of being shorn, somewhere within a 1,000 mile radius. (more…)

Angry Mom Refrains From Posting Nasty Comment On Article: Life As We Know It Doesn’t Cease To Exist – via MockMom

Do you like satire? Do you like laughing? If so, be sure to check out MockMom.com, where fellow moms write bogus news stories and confuse the crap out of people. IT’S SO FUN! I’m up on there this week poking fun at common problems found on most comment threads circulating through Facebook on any given day. Read on for a sample, and be sure to check out MockMom for a laugh!

An angry mom in Decatur surprised everyone yesterday when she chose not to leave a nasty comment on an article posted to friend’s Facebook feed regarding breastfeeding in public.

Known for her tendency to start every comment with, “That’s just stupid,” Angry Mom has quickly made a name for herself by making it a habit of expressing her disdain for anything and everything related to parenting that shows up on her Facebook feed.

When asked why she chose to practice restraint in this one instance, she shrugged her shoulders and stated dully, “I forgot my phone when I went to take a dump, and then it slipped my mind.”… (To read more click here).

(Cover image credit)

In Case There Isn’t Amazon Prime In Heaven…

This weekend my husband and I spent our first weekend away from the babe in 2 years, road trippin’. It was an epic 2-day 1,500 mile adventure, complete with enough junk food, Wu Tang and unnecessary swearing to give any collegiate football team a run for their money. It was somewhere around mile 800 or so, when threading the needle between two GIGANTIC and terrifying thunderstorms steamrolling across the plains, that it occurred to me perhaps we will not be making it back home in one, unelectrocuted piece. (more…)

Communication Nation: What You Say vs What Your Toddler Hears

Communicating with a toddler can, at times, be quite frustrating, and not for the reasons you might think. Sure, the ear-piercing “NOOOO!” that can be heard 300 miles due South can be difficult, but our main issues seem to stem from what are turning out to be simple miscommunications. When I say something like “Go get your pink shoes,” what I am asking our daughter to do seems clear enough, and until recently I thought she was understanding me. But as time goes by, it is becoming more and more clear that Baby 1.0 does not understand approximately 80% of the words coming out of my mouth. Sure, there are people who will argue that she is hearing and understanding me, and then deciding to mentally flip me a tiny, perfect, pink, middle-finger, but she’s so sweet and precious and there’s just no way that she would consciously and intentionally disobey me this often. Clearly the only explanation is that she just has different definitions of nearly every word in the English language.

Here are our most common trouble words: (more…)

Dear Daughters: This Isn’t Beauty

Breaking internet news: Kim Kardashian’s naked butt is once again making the rounds on the internet. Like the last scoop of room temperature potato salad at your annual family reunion, we just can’t seem to be able to get rid of her naked derriere once and for all.