In Case There Isn’t Amazon Prime In Heaven…

This weekend my husband and I spent our first weekend away from the babe in 2 years, road trippin’. It was an epic 2-day 1,500 mile adventure, complete with enough junk food, Wu Tang and unnecessary swearing to give any collegiate football team a run for their money. It was somewhere around mile 800 or so, when threading the needle between two GIGANTIC and terrifying thunderstorms steamrolling across the plains, that it occurred to me perhaps we will not be making it back home in one, unelectrocuted piece.


Obviously, when faced with near death, my life didn’t flash before my eyes. Instead this scene from Twister did, because indeed the storm was both headed right for us, and was also already here.

Spoiler alert: We made it. But our experience was eye-opening in more ways than one. Maybe it’s not enough to just designate a guardian. Maybe it is better to take it one step further, and micromanage and potentially undermine every aspect of how they may choose to parent your orphan by writing out a set of commandments that your child must follow, or else you will Amazon Prime them a Ouija board, from the grave, and get in their business. Since I’m unclear if I’ll get Wifi on the other side of the pearly gates, I figured I’d better write it out now so Baby 1.0 doesn’t have any excuses for turning into a wimpy asshole on account of becoming an orphan. And what better way to do it than like the 10 Commandments, because duh.

Thou Shalt Hustle Thy Ass Across The Street When A Car Stops For You At A Crosswalk, And Wave At The Driver In Appreciation For Not Running You Over

Which is to say, you must be courteous. While you are very special to us, you are not special to strangers. Don’t expect them to treat you as such until you do something to deserve it, like finding the cure for cancer or inventing zero calorie tiramisu.  And if someone does do something especially nice for you, make sure you show gratitude.

 Thou Shalt Take Care Of Your Own Shit

You are the captain of this ship, so be responsible for the choices you make. If you get a dog, feed it. If you have homework, do it. If you leave a few bites of a tuna sandwich in a Tupperware and forget about it for 2 weeks, throw it out and play dumb when someone asks you about it because really that’s the responsible thing to do, from an odor stand point. It’s okay to ask for help – we all need it from time to time – but never become helpless.

Thou Shalt Be Kind, Except When Dealing With Comcast Customer Service Or Murderers And The Like

Mean people suck. Don’t be a mean person. Of course we all have our moments, but strive to be kind more often than not.

Thou Shalt Not Text And Drive

This also includes drinking and driving, having casual unprotected sex, doing drugs, or participating in anything else that is just plain stupid, and/or illegal. Life is full of enough surprises. Killing someone, having an accidental baby, or getting hepatitis aren’t surprises you need to gamble on. But if you do…

Thou Shalt Be Brave

As I was saying, life is full of surprises, and is an interesting, unpredictable mix of shit and sunshine. You never know what each day will bring, but with a little bravery, you can face it head-on and deal with whatever comes your way.

Thou Shalt Let Go Of The Hogwash Notion Of Perfect Love

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as Santa, comfortable heels, or perfect love. But imperfect love is kinda the cats pajamas. Sometimes you will love with every fiber in your whole entire being, and that love will be returned. Sometimes, well, sometimes not so much. Love ebbs and flows, even with the most perfect of partners, and if you can find someone to work through it all, you have found a good match.

Thou Shalt Dream Big And Do Your Own Damn Thing

Be an astronaut. Be an artist. Be a farmer. Be a 17th century piccolo expert. I don’t care. Just do something that makes you happy. Even if it’s scary. Even if everyone around you is shaking their head in disapproval. This is your life, so live it in a way that will make you proud.

Thou Shalt Respect Technology But Worship The Great Outdoors

Technology is great, but the great outdoors is greater. Much like the footprints on the moon, your internet footprint will never disappear, so maybe think twice (or twice hundred times) about posting that naked selfie, or those hilarious-at-the-moment drunken debauchery instagrams. The great outdoors, however, is much more forgiving. The lake will never live tweet your incredibly awkward and spontaneous skinny dipping episode. Your boss won’t find out from a giant redwood that you think her daughter is a real b-hole. So use technology, but do it as sparingly as possible, and for the love of all that’s holy, get outside.

Thou Shalt Not Ever Put An Empty Milk Carton In The Fridge

I shouldn’t have to say this, but since you have half of your father’s DNA, I think I must. If it’s empty, put it in the recycling bin. If it has 1/16th of an inch of milk in it, drink it, and put it in the bin. If you ever want to pull a really funny prank though, eat all the ice cream and then put something heavy in it, like a potato, and put it back. For extra points, put a note in there saying it wasn’t you. Just FYI, sometimes people can get really mad about it.


Thou Shalt Be Honest

Sometimes a little white lie here and there is okay. I got out of a speeding ticket once by telling the police officer my pathetic looking cat in the seat next to me was dying when actually she just had a permanent case of Feline Resting Bitch Face. But big lies are a big no-no. Although being honest can sometimes be harder up front, it’s easier in the long run when you aren’t constantly trying to remember your cover story.


  1. You have inspired me! I’ve thought a lot about what would happen to our daughter should we ever.. Well you know? I would want whoever raises her to know how we planned to raise her. Why not write it down?! Thank you!


    1. Thanks!! Believe it or not, it was actually kind of emotional to write! I wrote the first draft before we left, and it was a little less funny. After we got back I was able to tone down the serious a little. But yeah, tough stuff to think about!


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