Being pregnant and not being able to sleep has some real perks… like finally realizing I will never actually be in charge of how things go in this house. But at least I have two happy cats and one mostly happy toddler.
Humor
You Might Be Potty Training If…
I recently wrote a post about the 20 Conditions Which Must Be Met For My Kid To Use The Potty. While the majority of it was highly sarcastic, as with most of what I write, there was a degree of truth woven in and out of the silliness. It seemed, at times, that Baby 1.0 was ready to potty train, but when it came time to actually deposit anything other than toys into the toilet, it was a no-go, and cracking the code that unlocked the mysterious conditions of her random successes seemed about on par with deciphering Enigma. (more…)
Do You Wanna Take An Ambien?
Funny things happen to a brain around 3am, especially when your kid has been on a Frozen kick, and you’ve been listening to the songs on repeat for 2 straight months. Any adult who has lived through an Arandelle addiction can attest to how the songs go from pretty to psychosis-inducing at an alarmingly rapid rate. Since convincing our kids to listen to anything else is the definition of impossible, as the song Do You Wanna Build A Snowman asks, what are we going to do? Write a parody, naturally. (more…)
“Why Are You Naked?” And Other Ridiculous Questions I Ask Every Day
Parenting, it seems, is a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. You know, that Bill Murray classic from the 90s where he is stuck in the same day for nearly 34 years (no seriously, I googled it)? Not only do you spend a portion of each day silently wondering if you’ve lost your marbles, but you often find yourself repeating things, specifically stupid, unanswerable questions, over, and over, and over again, ad nauseam. And what questions would one possibly ask multiple times every day for 27 months and still not have an answer? Here’s a sampling. (more…)
The Worst Toy In The World
I can only imagine the conversation went a little something like this:
Fisher: Dude. You know what would be really funny? If we made a toy that kids LOVED but drove parents absolutely crazy.
Price: Duuuuude! That is a great idea. Let’s see, it should be loud…
Fisher: Yes, but instead of bells or whistles, or even an annoying song, I say we really take it to the limit. I’m thinking muted gunshots. Like the L.A. Prison riots, but in a kid-friendly form. (more…)
The State In Which I Spend Most Of My Mondays
The Fifteen Faces of Parenthood: Emoji Edition
They say Helen of Troy had a face that launched a thousand ships, which, I suppose, is a pretty powerful pout. But do you think she could stop a toddler in their tracks before they dipped their toothbrush in the toilet? While the lovely Helen would likely (okay, definitely) beat me in a beauty contest, I have to think the average parent would blow her out of the water with how expressive and persuasive our faces alone can be. Who needs words when you can just glare? But our most powerful attribute can also be our downfall, when our face conveys what we are thinking before we can put the proper words behind it. And nowhere is this better expressed than through the use of modern day hieroglyphics, the emoji keyboard on your handy dandy smart phone.
😳
When your toddler cusses like a sailor and you silently vow to never, ever, under any circumstances swear again. Ever. Probably. At least today.
😩
When your toddler gets up for the day at 5:32am, or only takes a 20 minute nap.
😉
When your toddler keeps asking to watch a show while you’re at the park, and you attempt to convince the closest mom that’s actually what she says when she wants to do multiplication flash cards.
😐
When you let your toddler pick out their bedtime story, and they pick out the 72 page book about life in Paris that takes 25 minutes to read, and you know they only picked it as a stalling technique, but you still read it because you are a sucker.
😱
When you sneak in to their room at the end of the night to turn off their nightlight, and they roll over and look at you with that “I can smell your fear” face.
😴
When… just kidding. This one is worthless.
😖
Accidental poop finger from an over zealous diaper check attempt.
😈
When you trick your kid into eating something healthy by disguising it as macaroni and cheese, or when you fart and successfully convince your husband it was the kid.
😧
When your kid farts and successfully convinces your husband it was you.
😬
When you aren’t happy, and you know it, but you clap your hands anyway so you don’t come off as the story time sing-along sourpuss.
😕
When you leave your toddler alone for 2 minutes to pee in silence, and when you return they have taken every single piece of clothing out of their dresser. Every. Single. One.
😏
When you change a diaper that smells EX-ACT-LY like goose poop and you think to yourself WINNING! Obviously this means you are feeding them enough vegetables, as there could be no other explanation since geese are vegetarians (or at least I think they are).
😁
The face you make every night when you are brushing your toddler’s teeth, as if by exposing every last one of your pearly whites you will somehow force them to do it too, you know, through Jedi mind tricks.
😍
When out of the blue, your toddler turns to you and says, “I love you SOOO much, Mommy and Daddy.”
😲
When your toddler takes advantage of your guard being dropped from previous statement, and pokes you in both eyes with their thumbs.
Hold Me, Don't Hold ME 