Absolute Truths About Your Last Week Of Pregnancy

Congratulations. You’ve made it to 39 weeks. Let’s, for the sake of being the hopeful, positive creatures we are at this point, because we are desperate, call this the last week of pregnancy even though we know there is a chance it continues for up to two additional weeks, in which case you are off the hook for murder,* paying taxes,**smiling at the elderly and peeing on the couch.

(*,** It should be noted you are legally not off the hook for murder, or paying taxes, but you don’t have to smile and you will pee on the couch.) (more…)

I Think We’ve Been Here Before…

Deja poo

 

And even the more confusing when the creator of such copious amounts of doo doo appears to exist entirely on crackers and air…

Grocery Gauntlet: Comparing Four National Chains And The Likelihood Of You Getting Diarrhea And/Or Spending Your Entire 401k On One Meal

Grocery shopping. Aside from scooping soggy poop from the tub and scraping boogers off the wall, it’s hard to think of a worse reminder you are an adult. No matter where you go, some combination of crowds, cost and the Mad Max style parking situation leaves you frazzled before you even set foot in the airlock. But some places are better than others, and today we will compare four national chains to assess the likelihood you will leave with your 401k intact, and clean britches covering your bottom. (more…)

10 Questions Everyone Googles In Their Third Trimester

Pregnancy, it seems, is different for everybody. Some people love it, and glow like a dimly-lit wall sconce at a cozy Italian restaurant, while other people find their pregnancies about as enjoyable as eating an entire Italian restaurant, brick by brick. The differences between my first and second pregnancies were astounding, yet upon reaching 37 weeks (which is full-term according to the World Health Organization, and my weekly Pregnant Chicken email), I found myself submerged in eerily familiar waters. Waters that remind me I have to pee, again. Waters that make me wonder when my own water will break. Waters that swirl with questions only Google can answer. (more…)

Well Hello There…

Hello!

Emily here, extending a warm welcome to the lovely bunch of new followers who are here after reading my Dear Ovaries post that was recently featured on WordPress Discover.

I just wanted to take a minute and tell you a few things about me and my blog, Hold Me, Don’t Hold Me.

I started this blog about a year ago, with intentions of regaling folks with humorous tales of parenting, and making boatloads of money. I will leave it up to the crowd to determine if I have succeeded in telling a funny tale or two, but I can confirm with certainty that the boatloads of money have yet to find my dock, or even leave their original boatyard for that matter. (more…)

Got An Annoying Friend On Facebook? Maybe You Should Thank Them

“When you opt for the easy road and stay silent on an important issue, like say, Donald Trump vilifying an entire group of people based solely due to their religion, nothing stands in the way of horrible atrocities being committed.

Your silence allows the spread of his nasty hate-filled lies, his fear mongering and misinformation, his bigotry, misogyny and racism. By saying nothing, you allow his message to ring out loud and uncontested from the mouths of people who don’t practice silence or discretion, but do vote. Your lack of participation gives his dangerous dreams a chance to become a reality.”

This is a snippet from my most recent post up on BLUNTMoms, and it’s all about remembering to use one of our most powerful tools: Our voice. Click here to read the rest of the post, and don’t forget to thank your annoying Facebook friends for reminding you how to speak up.

voice

If you squint, Ursula looks a little like The Donald. But unlike Ursula, he does not control your voice. 

 

Dear Ovaries: Thanks, But Your Work Here Is Done

Dear Ovaries,

Brain here, with an important message I’d like to share with you on behalf of the rest of the body.

First, let me say thanks. You really knocked it out of the park with your contributions in regards to the furtherment of the human species. The body and I will never forget your role in how little Baby 1.0 and Baby 2.0 came to be, and will always be indebted to you for jumpstarting this whole process by suddenly declaring, “I Need A Baby!” The message was loud and clear, and you were right. We did need a baby.

Thanks in part to you, we have remedied the problem with a speed and efficiency that would certainly guarantee our success if we lived in the 1800’s, and needed to quickly birth fifteen children to run our rutabaga farm.  (more…)