10 Questions Everyone Googles In Their Third Trimester

Pregnancy, it seems, is different for everybody. Some people love it, and glow like a dimly-lit wall sconce at a cozy Italian restaurant, while other people find their pregnancies about as enjoyable as eating an entire Italian restaurant, brick by brick. The differences between my first and second pregnancies were astounding, yet upon reaching 37 weeks (which is full-term according to the World Health Organization, and my weekly Pregnant Chicken email), I found myself submerged in eerily familiar waters. Waters that remind me I have to pee, again. Waters that make me wonder when my own water will break. Waters that swirl with questions only Google can answer.

To save you the time you’d waste on Googling the same ten questions everyone searches at 37 weeks, I’ve compiled a helpful list of the most common questions, and even supplied the medically sound and heavily researched answers.

1. Will I be pregnant forever? Yes. Einstein had a little known theory about this called Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity In Regards To Being Hella Pregnant. To put it in layman’s terms, the more miserable you are, the slower time goes. By 37 weeks, one may find themselves so miserable that time actually stops, and seconds take hours and hours take days and everyone keeps asking “Is the baby here yet?!” and you just keep eating things because then you can’t scream cry “DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT?!”

2. How many months is 37 weeks? Roughly 52 years. See above.

3. Will I know when I pass my mucous plug? Well let’s see…

jello

Imagine sitting down to pee, and upon finishing, discovering a fully formed jello and fruit desert in the toilet. If you think that wouldn’t grab your attention, then I can confidently say no, you will not know when you pass your mucous plug.

4. Will I know when my water breaks? Pull up a chair. Pour a quart of 98.5 degree water in your crotch. Ask yourself if anything feels odd. Alternatively, there are people who have more of a trickle rather than a gush, so to test this out, put on dry pants and trickle a quart of 98.5 degree water in your crotch. Walk around. Do your pants feel funny?

5. Why am I so hot? Cooking a human apparently requires internal temperatures that would melt a Terminator, which, according to Google is approximately 2795 degrees fahrenheit. Also, fun fact, this doesn’t get better after the baby is here.

terminator

Nothing to see here. Just me, melting through the floor of my house while I patiently wait for the birth of my son.

6. What are signs the baby is coming? Pain. Lots of it, in the form of regularly spaced contractions. Similarly, a body part that doesn’t belong to you hanging out of your body could also be an indicator of your baby’s imminent arrival. But as far as the rest of the hogwash you find on the inter webs, it’s all allegorical nonsense.

7. Will labor hurt? No, just like that scene in The Revenant where Leo gets attacked by the bear, women like to pretend labor hurts just for fun. Really we are all smiling on the inside, because it feels like someone is spoon-feeding you cheesecake while rubbing your feet.

leo

“This cheesecake makes me wince with joy.” – Women

8. Why isn’t the baby here yet? The baby is not here yet because the baby is not ready.

9. Can I make the baby come? No, but you can give yourself diarrhea and rub your nipples for 20 minutes for fun, you know, if that’s fun for you. And if you try it and it works, it’s because the baby was ready.

10. Does my insurance cover vasectomies? A simple call to your insurance provider should clear that up quickly.


 

Image credits: CoverJello, Terminator, Leo

 

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15 comments

  1. #3 – that is actually a perfect description. And it looks about as appetizing as a fruit and jello dessert as well.

    #4 – I actually didn’t know that my water broke with my second! Her huge head was blocking the usual escape route for everything because she was SO determined to get out. They had to tell me later that my water had broken.

    #6 – Hehe – with my first, my water broke and I had a contraction, and then an hour and 10 minutes later I had another contraction, and then 30 min later I had another contraction. I called the hospital, described what had happened, and said – “I’m not sure, but I think I’m in labor ….?” They were very nice to me and told me that I probably had a while yet but to go ahead and come in if I wanted to. In the time it took me to get my then-husband awake and get to the hospital, contractions had gone from 30 min to 11 min to 6 min to 2 min. An hour later I had the baby.

    #9 – I tried to kickstart labor with long, brisk walks for my third. So many evenings I could get contractions started – this is it!!! – but then they would stop – darn it. He was also my stubborn one – from water breaking to delivery was twice as long as total labor for the first two combined. He was also the only one I got an epidural for – best $176 (after insurance) I ever spent.

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  2. Lol! I think there should be a disclaimer at the end stating that you’ll probably forget how bad the pain/annoyance/frustration was and want to do it all again in a few short years because you’ll have hypnotized yourself into thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’ 😂
    Good luck!

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    1. Haha, you are a brave soul, my friend ;). But I know. My husband puts up with a lot of whining, does a lot of the cooking, a ton of afterwork childcare, and brings me ice cream…amongst any number of things I didn’t mention. He is a champ. And if he ever gets pregnant, I’ll be sure to return the favor. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was great! I would only add, “how can I make my relatives stop posting on my Facebook wall asking me when I’m going to have that dang baby already?”
    I’N HOLDING IT IN FOR YOU, AUNT ROSE.

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