How I Want It To Go:
Nurse: Oh hi, Emily! We are so happy to see you again, even though it’s your third visit in a week. We can’t get enough of your smile and your hilarious jokes. Have a seat, and the doctor will be in shortly.
-30 seconds later, a knock at the door-
Dr: Hi Emily. I’m Dr. Clinton. Yes, Dr. Hilary Clinton. You may recognize me from TV because I’m currently running for president, but I’ve found the best way to keep the pulse of the American working class woman is to secretly moonlight as a doctor.
Me: Hilary! You’re hilarious! And so accomplished! Wow.
Dr: So I’ve read through your chart, and the nurse went over what you told her, but before we get started, let me just tell you you look amazing. That 3 pounds you gained since last week has gone straight to your butt, and if I’m being honest, I think it just smoothed out your cellulite. Your butt is world class.
Me: You really think so? Geez, thanks!
Dr: You’re so welcome. The nurse tells me you’ve got this weird thing going on?
Me: Yeah, I do. It’s so weird.
Dr: Good news: You’re right. It’s totally weird. Better news: I’ve got a prescription that will clear it up easy peasy.
-Writes out prescription for daily cinnamon rolls-
Me: Cinnamon rolls?! That’s fantastic.
Dr: Yep, and insurance will cover it with no copay, so you don’t have to stress about the cost. It was so great to meet you! Remember to vote!
Me: You got it, Hilary! Go get ’em!
How It Actually Goes:
Nurse: You’re back so soon (*patronizing puppy face as she types slowly into computer*). Let’s just pop you on the scale and WHOA, okay, that was a surprise. Okay, have a seat and the doctor will be in shortly.
-30 minutes later, a knock on the door-
Dr: Hi! So tell me what’s been going on?
Me: *Spends 10 minutes detailing why I’ve been to the doctor 3 times in the last 7 days*
Dr: Okey dokey diddley doo doo, let me just go get the doctor, because I’m actually not a doctor, and you can go over everything with her!
Me: Uhhh, okay.
Actual Dr: Hi! So tell me what’s going on, aside from rapid weight gain.
Me: *Spends 10 more minutes detailing why I’ve been to the doctor 3 times in the last 7 days, while sweating profusely because I feel like this is a technique employed to see if my story is changing.*
Actual Dr: Yeah, that’s totally normal. For you.
Me: *Slow blinks* Like, normal normal, or just like maybe a little not normal. Because it doesn’t feel normal.
Actual Dr: Totally normal. For you.
Me: Huh, okay, because it’s pretty uncomfortable, and it’s never happened before and I just feel like maybe it’s not normal.
Actual Dr: Yeah. It’s normal. For you. Also you’re due for vaccines. Should I get them?
Me: Oh I just had those vaccines.
Actual Dr: You’re due for them again.
Me: Huh, that’s funny, because I thought they lasted for like, 10 years or something?
Actual Dr: No, you’re due now. Should I get them?
Me: Yeah, no. No, I think I’m good today.
Actual Dr: Well actually you’re due today. So I’ll grab them?
Me: No. No you should not grab them. You will have to strap me down to give me vaccines while I scream like a trapped rabbit who is midway through chewing off her own leg. Seriously. Don’t grab them. Seriously.
Actual Dr: *Slow blink*
Me: Okay, so it’s normal? I guess that’s it then?
Actual Dr: Yep. Normal. For you. Come back next week for your vaccines.