humor

Adulting: Can I Get Some Adulation?

There’s a buzz word going around lately, and while I generally tend to stay away from buzz words, this one I find kind of catchy.

Adulting.

It has kind of a nice ring to it, no? Urban dictionary confirms it is what you think it is: An adult acting like a grown ass person. I would like to think I’m pretty good at adulting, but even when sitting down to write about it, the fact it keeps autocorrecting to the word adulating, which I had to google to define, makes me feel like a slightly less grown ass person. Also I just convinced myself that by adding salsa to my white flour quesadilla, I was indeed having enough vegetables to be able to eat a cupcake after lunch, guilt-free, which definitely docks a few more points from the gold level adulting badge I’m after. (more…)

To My Lovely Daughter: I’ll Be Back

To My Lovely Daughter,

Let me start by saying how sorry I am, for I’ve been a terrible playmate lately. I hid your recorder and your stupid popcorn vacuum you love so much. I threw away your finger paints because the smell makes me want to vomit. I don’t play chase, and we haven’t been to the park in weeks. Worse yet, I will admit to ignoring probably half of your (nearly constant) requests for my attention, in hopes that if I give you a little time, you will figure out whatever you are working on by yourself. (more…)

Fashionable Maternity Options for Ringing In The New Year

Maternity and fashion.

These words go together about as well as vegan and bologna.

Now of course there are exceptions to the rule. The mannequins at Old Navy, for example, always look especially good in whatever is draped and pinned to their plastic, headless bodies. And of course we all have that friend who actually knocked it out of the park, fashion-wise, while knocked up. But as a real-life actual person with a fleshy, over-inflated basketball for a stomach, maternity fashion has been a stretch. The pants sag. The shirts ride up. Everything is itchy. Don’t even get me started on the undergarments. (more…)

Learning to Tolerate Christmas: My Latest Post On BLUNTMoms

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know I recently joined the writing cadre at BLUNTMoms. This is exciting for a lot of reasons, especially because for the first time, maybe ever, I find myself in the company of a whole bunch of quick-witted, passionate, intelligent women who are a lot more sweary than I am. Now I get that might not be everyones cup o’ tea, but for me it feels like home. So look for links to my posts here, and if you like your women sharp and sweary, check them out!

My latest post for them went up yesterday. Swing by and have a chuckle (here) if you, like me, find that Christmas gives you a case of the stress squirts…

Something to aspire to if I ever find myself with so much money, I can afford an electric bill higher than rent for a 3 bedroom in Manhattan.

10 Questions I Have For My Belly Button In My Third Trimester

Where is my belly button? It no longer sits mid-abdomen, cheerfully monitoring my daily doings from the center of my body, but rather appears to be aimed more at the ground.
Is my belly button looking at the ground because it is depressed?
My belly button looks like it exploded. Is this why it is depressed? (more…)

The 12 Days of Holiday Haikus

On the second day of Christmas, otherwise known as holiday shopping crunch time, my true love gave to me… 12 Holiday Haikus to help get everyone into the holiday spirit! (And by spirit I mean the booze… these will be a lot more enjoyable if you have a little booze first…). (more…)

Coughing Up Your New Favorite Swear Word

Ah 3am, my fickle little friend, I wish I could say it’s good to see you.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with 3am recently, and while there is a certain beauty to the world at an hour where the only sounds are those of drunken college kids parading down the street singing the Canadian national anthem, it’s really a time I’d prefer to know on a less intimate basis. Lately, 3am has been even worse, as my friendly neighbors to the North are being drowned out by an even more unfavorable sound: Coughing. (more…)