There’s a buzz word going around lately, and while I generally tend to stay away from buzz words, this one I find kind of catchy.
It has kind of a nice ring to it, no? Urban dictionary confirms it is what you think it is: An adult acting like a grown ass person. I would like to think I’m pretty good at adulting, but even when sitting down to write about it, the fact it keeps autocorrecting to the word adulating, which I had to google to define, makes me feel like a slightly less grown ass person. Also I just convinced myself that by adding salsa to my white flour quesadilla, I was indeed having enough vegetables to be able to eat a cupcake after lunch, guilt-free, which definitely docks a few more points from the gold level adulting badge I’m after.
Vegetable decisions and obscure vocab aside, I would say I’m pretty good at adulting. Since becoming a parent, there are a few skills I’d say I’m downright slaying, which I feel bring my overall adulting ranking up to at least a high silver level badge, or what could be called the “grown-ish ass woman” rank.
THINGS I’M GOOD AT ADULTING WELL…OR SOMETHING:
- Telling if a car is driving too fast in a neighborhood, and then giving a stern “You better slow your butt down” mom stare. I will even throw in a cautionary hand gesture to mime the pumping of the brakes if I’m feeling really rowdy.
- Determining if your music is playing too loud for you to be able to safely operate your vehicle. If I can’t hear my thoughts when you drive by, I know you can’t. Better adjust your jams accordingly.
- Predicting catastrophes a few seconds before they happen. A spilled drink, a tumble off a chair. It doesn’t mean I won’t let it happen, just to prove a point, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Finding missing shit. If I were a superhero, my super power would be finding whatever someone is looking for, and my (admittedly boring) catch phrase would be, “Did you really even look?” because, with the exception of my sunglasses, nobody except me can ever find anything in the black hole we apparently live in. Sometimes I wonder if this is just an inside joke between my daughter and husband, or perhaps a way for them to make me feel needed and good at something. Other times I wonder if I have an out of control superpower, and accidentally make things invisible with a cloaking spell that only I can see through.
- Using the sentence, “Well when I was a kid…” to justify doing something dangerously or shoddily, because somehow I survived childhood, and if I remember correctly, life was way more dangerous and shoddy back then.
There are a few things holding me back from full on gold level adulting status, however.
THINGS I’M BAD AT ADULTING WELL:
- I cannot spell guarantee without multiple attempts, many of which are so far off, spellcheck doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It is a stupid word, and should be spelled differently, if not completely erased from the English language. I guarantee it wouldn’t be missed.
- I cannot keep from cussing when something surprising happens, like when I check a diaper and stick my finger in
shitpoop, or a taxi cuts me off and for a few seconds I turn into a petite, blonde, pregnant Wu Tang member doing a remix of the M-E-T-H-O-D Man torture scene.
- I do not eat enough vegetables, and I am incapable of resisting the temptation to consume the rest of the box of macaroni no matter how much (or how little) my toddler eats.
- Speaking of cooking, I will always turn the burner up to the highest level, you know, to “heat the pan,” then burn the shit out of whatever I’m cooking. Always.
- Doing things without procrastinating. I don’t always do things, but when I do, you can bet your ass it’s because if I didn’t do it at that exact moment, I would pay the price.
I’m not sure if the addition of Baby 2.0 will increase my adulting score, or if I will slip back substantially. I brushed AND flossed my teeth this morning, so I figure that buys me a little wiggle room.
Image credits: Cover, gold star,