Maternity and fashion.

These words go together about as well as vegan and bologna.

Now of course there are exceptions to the rule. The mannequins at Old Navy, for example, always look especially good in whatever is draped and pinned to their plastic, headless bodies. And of course we all have that friend who actually knocked it out of the park, fashion-wise, while knocked up. But as a real-life actual person with a fleshy, over-inflated basketball for a stomach, maternity fashion has been a stretch. The pants sag. The shirts ride up. Everything is itchy. Don’t even get me started on the undergarments.

Knowing I’m not the only person to go charging into the New Year with an 8 month pregnant belly on board, I decided to devise a list of fashionable, comfortable wardrobe ideas for the common lady, created out of items one likely has lying around the house. You can thank me later.

Toga Time

• What you’ll need: A bed sheet and a belt.
• What you need to do: Wrap it and belt it. Have someone chug a 3.2 beer for your for old times sake.
• What your outfit will say to people: Depending on your skill level, it will either communicate your status as a Grecian Goddess, or a drunken fraternity member.
• What your body will say to you: Thank you for not squishing me.

A Space Oddity

• What you’ll need: A space blanket, some duct tape, and a pair of scissors
• What you’ll need to do: Wrap, snip, and tape your way into your preferred dress form, keeping in mind comfort is your #1 goal.
• What your outfit will say to people: I am modern. I am shiny.
• What your body will say to you: I am very warm.

Poncho

• What you’ll need: A trash bag, a blanket, or a pre-made poncho.
• What you’ll need to do: Cut a hole in the middle, stick your head through.
• What you outfit will say to people: Yo soy fiesta! (Does anyone party harder than Gronk?)
• What your body will say to you: I am ready for a party and a storm.

Modern Day Sound of Music Cast Member

• What you’ll need: Julie Andrews, some old curtains, sewing stuff.
• What you’ll need to do: Harvest some curtains from your house, and hope Julie Andrews is free for the night.
• What your outfit will say to people: She is resourceful and surprisingly good friends with Julie Andrews.
• What your body will say to you: What works for your windows works for your womanly bits, amirite?

Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Model, circa the body paint issue

• What you’ll need: Body paint and some (internal) balls o’ steel.
• What you’ll need to do: Cover your body in enough paint to confuse people into thinking you are wearing a skin tight leotard.
• What your outfit will say to people: Wow! She’s so brave to wear a skin tight leotard.
• What your body will say to you: I’M FREEEEEEEEE!!!

Muumuu

• What you’ll need: 45 yards of fabric, or an actual muumuu
• What you’ll need to do: Put it on. Set a timer to take it off after 1 week, no excuses.
• What your outfit will say to people: I am a frequent flyer at my neighborhood KFC.
• What your body will say to you: Why haven’t we done this sooner?

Hospital Johnny

• What you will need: A hospital johnny.
• What you’ll need to do: Arrange a quick trip to the ER to obtain aforementioned johnny.
• What your outfit will say to people: I am probably contagious.
• What your body will say to you: Is the butt showing?

Mrs. Mike Tyson

• What you will need: Any satin robe will do.
• What you will need to do: Put it on. Belt it with something over-the-top and shiny, like a vegetable steamer.
• What your outfit will say to people: I am unpredictable, and might bite your ear off.
• What your body will say to you: You are a saucy minx who eats steamed vegetables.

Walking Talking Mirror Ball

• What you will need: A mirror, broken into tiny pieces, glue. Probably bandaids.
• What you will need to do: Glue small pieces of broken mirror to your abdomen.
• What your outfit will say to people: She may be unfit to be a mother, but she is fashion forward.
• What your body will say to you: I hope we can survive 7 years of bad luck, and the skin infection that is about to develop.

Bare Booty Nekkid

• What you will need: Money to bail you out of jail for indecent exposure.
• What you will need to do: Remove clothes. Go to a party.
• What your outfit will say to people: I am fearless.
• What your body will say to you: I hope you wiped well.

But I mean, if I’m being honest, the only way I’m staying awake or leaving this house on New Years Eve is if I’m in labor… Happy New Year, everyone!

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Images: Old Navy mannequin, Kim Kardashian, muumuu, mirror, toga.