Never, never, never wake a sleeping baby. Especially if she’s mine.
Humor
To My Lovely Daughter: I’ll Be Back
To My Lovely Daughter,
Let me start by saying how sorry I am, for I’ve been a terrible playmate lately. I hid your recorder and your stupid popcorn vacuum you love so much. I threw away your finger paints because the smell makes me want to vomit. I don’t play chase, and we haven’t been to the park in weeks. Worse yet, I will admit to ignoring probably half of your (nearly constant) requests for my attention, in hopes that if I give you a little time, you will figure out whatever you are working on by yourself. (more…)
Learning to Tolerate Christmas: My Latest Post On BLUNTMoms
For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know I recently joined the writing cadre at BLUNTMoms. This is exciting for a lot of reasons, especially because for the first time, maybe ever, I find myself in the company of a whole bunch of quick-witted, passionate, intelligent women who are a lot more sweary than I am. Now I get that might not be everyones cup o’ tea, but for me it feels like home. So look for links to my posts here, and if you like your women sharp and sweary, check them out!
My latest post for them went up yesterday. Swing by and have a chuckle (here) if you, like me, find that Christmas gives you a case of the stress squirts…
Something to aspire to if I ever find myself with so much money, I can afford an electric bill higher than rent for a 3 bedroom in Manhattan.
10 Questions I Have For My Belly Button In My Third Trimester
- Where is my belly button? It no longer sits mid-abdomen, cheerfully monitoring my daily doings from the center of my body, but rather appears to be aimed more at the ground.
- Is my belly button looking at the ground because it is depressed?
- My belly button looks like it exploded. Is this why it is depressed? (more…)
Coughing Up Your New Favorite Swear Word
Ah 3am, my fickle little friend, I wish I could say it’s good to see you.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with 3am recently, and while there is a certain beauty to the world at an hour where the only sounds are those of drunken college kids parading down the street singing the Canadian national anthem, it’s really a time I’d prefer to know on a less intimate basis. Lately, 3am has been even worse, as my friendly neighbors to the North are being drowned out by an even more unfavorable sound: Coughing. (more…)
Yo-gatta Try This: On Yoga and Letting Go Of Lasagna
Yoga. For some, this word conjures up images of peaceful relaxation: Deep, intentional breaths taken and released into the vastness of the universe, with the grace of a white dove soaring through a crimson sky. For others, the word triggers an image of something more along the lines of hot, synchronized, expensive group exercise for skinny college girls, and lean-muscled men. And for others, like myself, when someone says yoga, I think of yogurt. Frozen yogurt, more specifically, pumped into a paper cup by a machine that always makes it look like a surprisingly appetizing little turd, and covered in six dollars worth of cookie crumbs and chocolate chips, (more…)
Toddlers and Adults: Not So Different After All
Unless you’ve been living with your head in a holiday-safe hole for the last week, I’m guessing you’ve come across the latest round of totally ridiculous drama surrounding the red cups at Starbucks. If not, I’ll sum it up for you: Actual, real-live grown-up adults are complaining about the lack of holiday decorations on the seasonal cups at Starbucks, calling the move “A war on Christianity.” If you, like me, think these people should be treated like the spoiled toddlers they are imitating and put in time out for acting a fool, then you should check out my somewhat sweary response to them that was published by BLUNTMoms yesterday.
Because BLUNTMoms only accepts original, previously unpublished work, you have to follow the link here to see it. I know, clicking that one extra link is like, so hard, but you can do it. Did you do it? Yeah. I didn’t think so. Cheers!
Hold Me, Don't Hold ME 