Humor

Absolute Truths About Your Last Week Of Pregnancy

Congratulations. You’ve made it to 39 weeks. Let’s, ~~for the sake of being the hopeful, positive creatures we are at this point~~, because we are desperate, call this the last week of pregnancy even though we know there is a chance it continues for up to two additional weeks, in which case you are off the hook for murder,* paying taxes,**smiling at the elderly and peeing on the couch.

(*,** It should be noted you are legally not off the hook for murder, or paying taxes, but you don’t have to smile and you will pee on the couch.) (more…)

I Think We’ve Been Here Before…

Deja poo

And even the more confusing when the creator of such copious amounts of doo doo appears to exist entirely on crackers and air…

Grocery Gauntlet: Comparing Four National Chains And The Likelihood Of You Getting Diarrhea And/Or Spending Your Entire 401k On One Meal

Grocery shopping. Aside from scooping soggy poop from the tub and scraping boogers off the wall, it’s hard to think of a worse reminder you are an adult. No matter where you go, some combination of crowds, cost and the Mad Max style parking situation leaves you frazzled before you even set foot in the airlock. But some places are better than others, and today we will compare four national chains to assess the likelihood you will leave with your 401k intact, and clean britches covering your bottom. (more…)

10 Questions Everyone Googles In Their Third Trimester

Pregnancy, it seems, is different for everybody. Some people love it, and glow like a dimly-lit wall sconce at a cozy Italian restaurant, while other people find their pregnancies about as enjoyable as eating an entire Italian restaurant, brick by brick. The differences between my first and second pregnancies were astounding, yet upon reaching 37 weeks (which is full-term according to the World Health Organization, and my weekly Pregnant Chicken email), I found myself submerged in eerily familiar waters. Waters that remind me I have to pee, again. Waters that make me wonder when my own water will break. Waters that swirl with questions only Google can answer. (more…)

Dear Ovaries: Thanks, But Your Work Here Is Done

Dear Ovaries,

Brain here, with an important message I’d like to share with you on behalf of the rest of the body.

First, let me say thanks. You really knocked it out of the park with your contributions in regards to the furtherment of the human species. The body and I will never forget your role in how little Baby 1.0 and Baby 2.0 came to be, and will always be indebted to you for jumpstarting this whole process by suddenly declaring, “I Need A Baby!” The message was loud and clear, and you were right. We did need a baby.

Thanks in part to you, we have remedied the problem with a speed and efficiency that would certainly guarantee our success if we lived in the 1800’s, and needed to quickly birth fifteen children to run our rutabaga farm. (more…)

Adulting: Can I Get Some Adulation?

There’s a buzz word going around lately, and while I generally tend to stay away from buzz words, this one I find kind of catchy.

Adulting.

It has kind of a nice ring to it, no? Urban dictionary confirms it is what you think it is: An adult acting like a grown ass person. I would like to think I’m pretty good at adulting, but even when sitting down to write about it, the fact it keeps autocorrecting to the word adulating, which I had to google to define, makes me feel like a slightly less grown ass person. Also I just convinced myself that by adding salsa to my white flour quesadilla, I was indeed having enough vegetables to be able to eat a cupcake after lunch, guilt-free, which definitely docks a few more points from the gold level adulting badge I’m after. (more…)