Dear Ovaries,
Brain here, with an important message I’d like to share with you on behalf of the rest of the body.
First, let me say thanks. You really knocked it out of the park with your contributions in regards to the furtherment of the human species. The body and I will never forget your role in how little Baby 1.0 and Baby 2.0 came to be, and will always be indebted to you for jumpstarting this whole process by suddenly declaring, “I Need A Baby!” The message was loud and clear, and you were right. We did need a baby.
Thanks in part to you, we have remedied the problem with a speed and efficiency that would certainly guarantee our success if we lived in the 1800’s, and needed to quickly birth fifteen children to run our rutabaga farm.
But before you get too excited and start spewing eggs in celebration, I’m here to tell you, as we are not 19th century rutabaga farmers, your services will no longer be needed.
Following the birth of Baby 2.0, a cease and desist order will be issued, pertaining to anything and everything baby related that comes oozing out of your corpus luteum. No longer will we be responding to your nearly endless reminders regarding how cute, wonderful, or otherwise lovely babies are, nor will we be moved to tears upon seeing a random newborn who belongs to a total stranger at the park.
The Nose is in agreement that aside from Baby 2.0, there will be no baby sniffing allowed, and if by accident, the sweet sweet smell of a baby’s head does enter the nostrils, all efforts to rid the airways of the smell will be made before it can reach its intended destination.
I would be remiss if I failed to mention the effect you’ve had on your poor neighbor, The Uterus, who thanks to your excitability, has spent the last 10 weeks in a state of constant readiness. She is now as irritable as ever, and has filed a formal request for your eviction from the lower abdomen. This request is pending.
Now before you try to use our current state of heavily pregnant as a defense for your actions, or as a basis for an appeal, you should know that anything you say will fall on deaf ears. Literally. The Ears are now both partially deaf from the screaming that Baby 1.0 did as a colicky youngster, and now does for “special milp” on a daily basis. The Ears have filed a formal complaint against you, and pending the birth of Baby 2.0, have expressed interest in pursuing eviction if he proves to be as loud as Baby 1.0.
The rest of the body and I don’t want you to feel unappreciated, but we need you both to know how serious we are. We are, as they say, as serious as a heart attack, which speaking of, you have nearly given us with a random pregnancy scare here and there, so do know that any further scares of that nature will not be tolerated, and will only serve as reason to further pursue punishment against you.
Heart attacks aside, you will be happy to know The Heart remains your biggest fan, and if left up to that sappy bag of blood, there would be at least thirteen more children – as well as any number of bedraggled, pathetic, rescue animals – in our future. Thankfully, The Heart lost the coin toss, so I got to make the call and officially toll the bell that will bring an end to reproduction. Ding dong.
Due to your substantial roll in building our family, you will be permitted to continue releasing eggs on a monthly basis as you see fit, until the day you shrivel up and turn into the useless, fleshy raisins you are destined to become. Additionally, as we are unable to tell which one of you is directly responsible for the offspring, you both will be awarded a participation trophy as a token of our thanks.
But barring an apocalypse, or our mandatory colonization of another plant, you are never to remind the rest of the body of your desires, nor hold it against us that you have nearly 2 million additional eggs at the ready. If you are worried about storage space, we recommend you consider evolving, and perhaps take to heart, or to medula in your case, the saying “less is more.”
The Body and I appreciate your understanding, and willingness to participate in the aforementioned plan.
Sincerely and with the utmost regard,
The Brain
Hi Emily and Jason, your post is cute and satirical as always. But you may be blaming the wrong organ and placing yourself at greater risk. Sorry, I love you, and just can’t help replying. When Donna was pregnant for our second child, I was informed that be it a boy or girl this was the completion of our family. So three weeks after his successful birth, she actually drove me to the hospital and waited in the car with a 3-year old and a newborn while I had a vasectomy. The burden should not be all yours to bear.
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Nice post
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Thanks!
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Hhahahahaaaa, this is super! As a toddler mamma, I understand perfectly, only that my overies keep screaaaaaming for a second baby. Really, I’m back to work and love it, but this body of mine is taking control with incredible force.
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It’s SO SCARY how powerful they are, no? Even after writing this, 9 months pregnant, I saw a baby at the library and was like, “OH MY GOD! MUST HOLD BABY!” I feel possessed!
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Thanks for sharing! This is great blog post!
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Thanks for reading it!! And for the kind words.
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What a great read! Loved it!
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Thanks for taking the time to read it 🙂
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This post reminds me of the Heart and Brain comics by The Awkward Yeti, which have a similar tone of humour. Very nice post! I laughed out loud a couple of times and I don’t even have kids.
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Hmmm, the Awkward Yeti… sounds like something that would be right up my alley, as I am both extremely awkward and yeti-sized at my current state of pregnancy. I will have to check that out!
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Haha! Honestly, I recommend him. His comics often brighten up my day with a chuckle. On the bright side, I’m guessing you won’t be feeling yeti sized for much longer 😉
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Okay, I will definitely check him out!
And here’s to hoping…
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HA! Fabulous work as always, my friend. And congrats! I see you’re featured again! The (imminent?) arrival of Baby 2.0 fades into insignificance in comparison to such excitement! (It’s priorities like this that will get my kids taken away from me one day, I’m sure)
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Thanks, my dear! It has really taken my mind off the fact I have a human head jabbing into my hip 🙂
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Amusing little story. Really enjoyed it
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Thanks for taking the time read it!
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did they respond to your letter?????????????????
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Haha, NO! Those rebellious little turds had me all googley-eyed staring at someone else’s baby at the library the other day.
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I really thought this was hilarious! I have two kids so the feeling, let’s just say I can relate. Thank you for the laugh!
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Thank you for the complement, and for taking the time to read my musings! Two kids is perfect… right?! 😉
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Yes I think that two is perfect! But my oldest is 4 and she is saying that she wants a baby brother because she is tired of her sister.
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Oh boy… I bet kids can be even more convincing than ovaries 🙂
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Excellent post. Such clever writing. Thank you for a great morning read with more than a few chuckles.
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Thank you for reading it, and for taking the time to say something nice back 🙂
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I enjoyed reading this!
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Thank you!!
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Delightful…
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Hey, thanks!!
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Wow greAt
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Thanks!!
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I loved this! I’m new to this blogging thing but I hope to figure it out!
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Well thanks! And welcome to the club. 🙂
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Brilliant! If your brain could talk to my brain though, that would be great, because she could benefit from some leadership skills. Be warned though, ovaries are determined. I’ve tried putting them in time out, separating them, taking their toys even drugging them for goodness sakes! They just won’t behave!
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Yeah, here’s a fun fact: My brain is not in control. This is becoming more and more apparent the older I get. I feel like one of those ants who get that parasite that takes over their bodies so they climb to the top of the grass blade, all so they can be eaten by a cow where the parasite will then go into the intestines and do transform into it’s next life cycle… yeah. I feel like that. 🙂
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ok I had to google this and it’s the coolest thing ever, totally stealing it…zombie ants?!? The kids are going to eat this up and I get to hold on to the title of Mom-knower of stuff, for another day
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Really love the satire on pregnancy, and thats comes from a teenage boy hahaaa
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Well then you are in a league of your own, my friend. Thanks for the kind words and for taking the time to read the musings of a 30-something mama of nearly two…
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Hahahaaaaa, no more sweet, sweet baby smell! I totally get it. Before babies, you’re all like “Oh, I’ll have one someday.” After you have a newborn you’re like “ZOMG she’ll never be this tiny again I didn’t know I could love so much I need ALL the babies like one a year so I can always have a babybabybaby.” And Brain is like, “Um, I ran the numbers. No money and no sleep…carry the twins…yeah, no.”
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Haha!! The brain running the numbers… I feel like I should have consulted with you before writing this post. That is brilliant, my friend! And yes, I need ALL THE BABIES! (But also more money…) 🙂
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Me too! I’ll definitely be following you as we make our way into toddlerhood too—and come consult with me whenever you like ☺️
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Reblogged this on babydroppings and commented:
Hilarious and polite request to shut down production until further notice.
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Thanks for the reblog 🙂
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Reblogged this on CHI's blog.
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Thanks!!
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oh man wish my ovaries worked, i wish i had the joy of having a child whenever i want, good luck
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I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I wish you luck as well. 🙂
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Reblogged this on livingmombie.
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Hey guys! I just started my blog recently so I’m new and just trying to figure it all all. Thoughts and Opinions on my latest blog would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! http://samanthabeeblog.wordpress.com
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Good luck with your blog!
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An enjoyable read! Many mothers can relate to the feelings involved here. Two thumbs up!
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Thanks!! Per usual, I’m pleasantly surprised to find I’m not alone in my musings. Hopefully when they start calling for number three, I can look to you all to keep me on the straight and narrow 🙂
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Soooo funny! Loved it!:-)
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Thanks!! 🙂
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Brilliant! Definitely cheered up an otherwise mundane train journey home this evening!
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I liked this blog… 🙂
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i think i liked this blog idk
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nice one……
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I love this!!
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Thanks!!
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Gosh! I can’t believe I miss this post of yours. It’s a great take on the brain. After 2, the ovaries do need to retire! 😊 But you can always get the husband to do the vasectomy. 😆
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Oh yes, we are considering all options 😉
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Hehehee!
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Just the right words I meant to say to my own ovaries after delivering my 3rd surprise baby and going through a tubal ligation. Brilliant post.
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Oooh, I usually like surprises, but I feel like that would have been a tough pill to swallow 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, and for the kind words.
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My brain and body play a consistent, exhausting game of ping pong when it comes to deciding on having a second child! Thanks for the humor! Needed that so much.
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Haha, yes, that is a ping pong match to end all ping pong matches. I’m sure it changes on a daily basis depending on how your kid is acting 🙂
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I love the way you’ve written this, it’s definitely something which needs to be talked about more
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This was funny. I’m in the same boat so I understand.
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Thanks!! I wish you strength the next time someone parades a brand new baby right by your face 🙂
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Great post! I’m new at blogging. Still learning but definitely intrigued by your style of writing. So, today, I started following you.
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Thanks for the follow. I don’t know if I’m the best person to model it after, but in my eyes, as long as you’re having fun, you’re doing it right 🙂
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hehehehehe can’t help but laugh….you nailed it. Nice post. I like
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Thanks!!
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I love your post! Well I said almost the same thing after my second baby but it didn t work and now I ve just had my third! 😬 This time I think I should send my dear ovaries a court notice instead of a letter!! 🙂
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Oh boy! Yeah, time to get serious with those little turkeys, eh? Congrats on your third 🙂
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Thank u! 🙂
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I nearly died from laughter! This was so wonderfully written! I’m sure my child ambivalent ovaries could help instruct yours on the proper way to suppress any of those urges, lol! 🙂
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Oh yes, if you could please get your ovaries to email my ovaries, we’d all be better for it. Just so we’re clear, I cannot be held responsible for what my ovaries instruct your ovaries to do. I fear their power is unrelenting and rather convincing. Consider yourself warned 🙂
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I have no fear. My ovaries are made of steel and have survived years of pressure and pleading for grandkids from both my mother and grandmother, the births of nieces and nephews, turning 31, and 13 years of arguing with doctors that are convinced I’ll “change [my] mind” and want kids some random morning, lol. 🙂
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This is a wonderful humorous side to the very serious business of carrying and bearing a child. We all need to laugh at this, or else we would cry a lot more. It’s hard. Thanks for lightening it up!
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It IS hard, and making fun of it is absolutely at the core of why I started this blog. I would cry…wait I still cry a lot… but I would cry MORE if I wasn’t constantly trying to spin it in a humorous way. I hope you will stop by whenever you are in need of a little chuckle.
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