January | 2015 | Hold Me, Don't Hold ME

Being in my earlymidish-thirties, I seem to know an awful lot of people who are either having babies, or are debating if they should jump on the baby band wagon. Having been in their position not that long ago, I am obviously now a certified expert, and can offer you this curated list of 10 wicked awesome reasons to have a baby.

1. You have a mole you’d like removed, but you don’t want to go to a dermatologist. Forget singing a lullaby to put Baby 1.0 to sleep, nothing relaxes her more than picking at what remains of a mole I had on the inside of my right elbow until recently. There is no keeping her from this war wound, for she will wiggle, burrow and slither her arm up through any sleeve until her fingers rest on the patch of skin where Mr. Mole used to be. Here’s to hoping she got clean margins.

2. You want to live in a house with exotic animals without obtaining all of those pesky permits. Toddlers are basically a majestic mix of a tiger and a chimpanzee. A chimpiger, or a tigazee. She’s fast, fearless, ferocious and meows all the time. It’s tres exotic. Best of all, eventually they grow up and can do chores, which is better than growing up and eating your neighbor’s face off.

Oddly enough, there is no such thing as a chimp/tiger hybrid.

3. You are tired of going to the bathroom alone. If you thought peeing alone was fun, you will LOVE not peeing alone. And if having someone who is eye level with the toilet seat stand there and stare at you while you make your deposits isn’t enough, racing that person to get up, turn around, and shut the toilet seat before they dive into the dirty bowl will certainly add extra excitement to what was once a mundane task.

4. You love playing “Is That A Booger Or A Piece Of Banana?” every day. This game is second only to my other favorite game, “Is That A Raisin Or A Cat Turd?” I can’t wait to play tomorrow!! (Spoiler alert, it’s never a raisin.)

5. You enjoy reading the same thing, or listening to the same song 3,466 times in one week. I know 80% of Baby 1.0’s library by heart, which is good news if there is a Zombie Apocalypse and the world loses all of its children’s books. I will be like the Giver.

6. You want your home decor to go from “modern chic” to “I didn’t know you were moving and/or why didn’t I feel that earthquake that must have just happened to explain this horrid mess?” Sure, the idea of living in somewhere that looks like an Ikea catalog is fun. It’s so clean, and organized. I get it. But really isn’t it more fun to live somewhere where traversing the floor between the kitchen and the living room provides as much danger and excitement as climbing Everest? There are legos, and spatulas and Cheerios OH MY! There are books and magnetic letters and what the hell? How did my underwear get out here!?

7. You need to locate small, dangerous items once lost in your house. Million dollar idea: you could rent babies out to find things people have lost and absolutely make a killing – both literally and figuratively. Babies can find anything on the floor, especially when it’s dangerous. Case and point? Baby 1.0 found a crack pipe at the park near our house this summer. A crack pipe. Put up a FOUND sign, but alas, there were no takers.

FOUND: One crack pipe, under the slide at the toddler park. Crack is whack, yo. Maybe don’t do that here?

8. You have a desire to transform every glass of water into a smoothie. Do you like smoothies? Then babies are for you! They are like perfect little blenders, always at the ready to deposit whatever they last ate into your water-glass. Unlike those trendy NutriBullets, this blender requires maximum maintenance, and can choke and die if you give it something it can’t handle. But still. It’s a baby blender!

9. You want to find a good excuse to take the BuzzFeed quiz on “How Much Do You Know About Cats?” I will say, breastfeeding Baby 1.0 has given me A LOT of time to do things I would have never done before. I watched the whole Breaking Bad series over the course of 3 very long and very intense days. And just now, I took the BuzzFeed “How Much Do You Know About Cats?” quiz, and got an 18/20. To quote BuzzFeed, I am a feline genius. Boom.

10. You enjoy swinging from the treetops of the emotional rain forest like an out of control monkey being chased by a Harpy Eagle. Every day, I feel every degree of every emotion available. Every day at some point I find myself being exuberantly happy, and filled to the brim with pride, love and amazement. Every day at some point I find myself being extremely exhausted, totally burned out, and questioning every decision I ever made. Every day at some point I find myself treading water in the emotional in-between. It is crazy, and it is hard, but it is wonderful and beautiful at the same time.