10 Wicked Awesome Reasons To Have A Baby

Being in my earlymidish-thirties, I seem to know an awful lot of people who are either having babies, or are debating if they should jump on the baby band wagon. Having been in their position not that long ago, I am obviously now a certified expert, and can offer you this curated list of 10 wicked awesome reasons to have a baby.

1. You have a mole you’d like removed, but you don’t want to go to a dermatologist. Forget singing a lullaby to put Baby 1.0 to sleep, nothing relaxes her more than picking at what remains of a mole I had on the inside of my right elbow until recently. There is no keeping her from this war wound, for she will wiggle, burrow and slither her arm up through any sleeve until her fingers rest on the patch of skin where Mr. Mole used to be. Here’s to hoping she got clean margins.

2. You want to live in a house with exotic animals without obtaining all of those pesky permits. Toddlers are basically a majestic mix of a tiger and a chimpanzee. A chimpiger, or a tigazee. She’s fast, fearless, ferocious and meows all the time. It’s tres exotic. Best of all, eventually they grow up and can do chores, which is better than growing up and eating your neighbor’s face off.

Tiger-Bunny-66088

Oddly enough, there is no such thing as a chimp/tiger hybrid.

3. You are tired of going to the bathroom alone. If you thought peeing alone was fun, you will LOVE not peeing alone. And if having someone who is eye level with the toilet seat stand there and stare at you while you make your deposits isn’t enough, racing that person to get up, turn around, and shut the toilet seat before they dive into the dirty bowl will certainly add extra excitement to what was once a mundane task.

4. You love playing “Is That A Booger Or A Piece Of Banana?” every day. This game is second only to my other favorite game, “Is That A Raisin Or A Cat Turd?” I can’t wait to play tomorrow!! (Spoiler alert, it’s never a raisin.)

5. You enjoy reading the same thing, or listening to the same song 3,466 times in one week. I know 80% of Baby 1.0’s library by heart, which is good news if there is a Zombie Apocalypse and the world loses all of its children’s books. I will be like the Giver.

6. You want your home decor to go from “modern chic” to “I didn’t know you were moving and/or why didn’t I feel that earthquake that must have just happened to explain this horrid mess?” Sure, the idea of living in somewhere that looks like an Ikea catalog is fun. It’s so clean, and organized. I get it. But really isn’t it more fun to live somewhere where traversing the floor between the kitchen and the living room provides as much danger and excitement as climbing Everest? There are legos, and spatulas and Cheerios OH MY! There are books and magnetic letters and what the hell? How did my underwear get out here!?

7. You need to locate small, dangerous items once lost in your house. Million dollar idea: you could rent babies out to find things people have lost and absolutely make a killing – both literally and figuratively. Babies can find anything on the floor, especially when it’s dangerous. Case and point? Baby 1.0 found a crack pipe at the park near our house this summer. A crack pipe. Put up a FOUND sign, but alas, there were no takers.

photo (21)

FOUND: One crack pipe, under the slide at the toddler park. Crack is whack, yo. Maybe don’t do that here?

8. You have a desire to transform every glass of water into a smoothie. Do you like smoothies? Then babies are for you! They are like perfect little blenders, always at the ready to deposit whatever they last ate into your water-glass. Unlike those trendy NutriBullets, this blender requires maximum maintenance, and can choke and die if you give it something it can’t handle. But still. It’s a baby blender!

9. You want to find a good excuse to take the BuzzFeed quiz on “How Much Do You Know About Cats?” I will say, breastfeeding Baby 1.0 has given me A LOT of time to do things I would have never done before. I watched the whole Breaking Bad series over the course of 3 very long and very intense days. And just now, I took the BuzzFeed “How Much Do You Know About Cats?” quiz, and got an 18/20. To quote BuzzFeed, I am a feline genius. Boom.

10. You enjoy swinging from the treetops of the emotional rain forest like an out of control monkey being chased by a Harpy Eagle. Every day, I feel every degree of every emotion available. Every day at some point I find myself being exuberantly happy, and filled to the brim with pride, love and amazement. Every day at some point I find myself being extremely exhausted, totally burned out, and questioning every decision I ever made. Every day at some point I find myself treading water in the emotional in-between. It is crazy, and it is hard, but it is wonderful and beautiful at the same time.

Harpy-Eagle_0

I would poop my pants if this guy jumped out of the forest at me.

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then obviously having a baby is for you! I hope I cleared that up for ya.


Images: Harpy Eagle, Tiger Bunny, others are my own.

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11 comments

  1. Re: #3 – my 19-month old son LOVES to come to the bathroom with me. When he hears me sit down on the toilet he comes RUNNING from anywhere in the house and smiles REALLY big when he finds me. (I have to leave the bathroom door open or else he will knock on the door and get REALLY upset.) He will then hand me some toilet paper, wait for me to finish, and then go behind me, flush the toilet, and laugh while he watches the toilet flush.

    It’s his new favorite thing to do!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perhaps it will be easier to potty train him?! So funny what we do to keep them happy… We too have a “door open” policy in the bathroom. If Baby 1.0 isn’t in there with me, our cat is. He is equally as fascinated with the workings of the toilet. Weirdo.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That would be awesome if he were easier to potty-train – I was not successful in potty-training EITHER of my two older girls. Now, obviously it happened eventually, but it wasn’t because of me! They didn’t want any part of potty-training when I tried to do it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also a feline genius, Cuz. Though, I fit none of the above parameters ( I don’t even own a pet, unless you count the poor, deprived, fish I purchased on a drunken whim). 24 year old geophysics graduate student with no life, money, or prospects, living the scientific dream alone is not even cat baby worthy. Hooray. Don’t take my sarcasm too seriously.

    BTW: Rodrigo (my lab fish) has an excellent tank ordered on amazon.

    Like

    1. I TOTALLY count the fish! If you feed it, and change it’s water every now and again, you’re golden. And as far as the rest of it… you’ve got more life in you than the door knob of a doctor’s office 😉 Love ya, cuz!

      Like

  3. 18/20…… So disappointed! Perhaps I should give that quiz in order to get a raise? Lol
    My favorite bathroom comments:
    First child 2yrs old…. Mommy, why do you have grass on your bum?
    Second child at about the same age…. Mommy, why do you have spiders on your bum. Dear god! I’ll take the grass comment any day over the spider comment! 😬

    Like

  4. Ha! Hilarious stuff as usual (except for the crack pipe. That’s not cool at all!). I would add:

    11. You prefer to eat all your food at room temperature, standing up.

    12. One laundry day a week isn’t even close to satisfying you, and/or you particularly enjoy stain removal.

    13. You love the sound of your own name, and could happily listen to someone say it around every 30 seconds for the rest of your waking life.

    Top-shelf post, cat genius!

    Like

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