Babies. Small, helpless, squishy, probably pooping. Upon laying eyes on a newborn, some people absolutely melt. They look past the weird shaped head, the peeling skin, the explosive farts and the projectile milk puke, and turn into puddles of love, cooing and baby-talking the afternoon away. But others? Well others don’t see past it, which I totally get, because let’s be honest, babies are weird.

Regardless of your reaction, upon learning of the arrival of yet another member of the human race, friends and family are often tasked with selecting the perfect card to congratulate the mother and father on successfully spawning. The isles of your local drug store are filled with flowery designs, in perfect pink and baby blue, bubbling with joyful wishes and sappy sentiments. This is all well and good if A) You like babies, or B) Have recently had a lobotomy.

But we all know this is bullshit.

There is nothing glamorous about new babies, or new parents. This isn’t to say there aren’t lovely things about your new life, but these lovely things are only lovely to the people who you share genes with. Never has this been more apparent than over the last two weeks when welcoming visitors into my dirty house, while wearing dirty pajamas, with dirty hair and leaky boobs.

In order to ease the burden of selecting a card that truly represents what you’d like to say, I have taken the liberty of creating a series of cards I feel would more accurately sum up the sentiments of our recent visitors.

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