To mark the 6 month anniversary of me starting Hold Me, Don’t Hold Me, my
wildly mildly popular parenting blog, I thought it appropriate to share my secrets to success, namely how I generate my incredibly unique and extremely relevant topics to write about. Now, don’t kid yourself, kids, writing a blog is a tough business. But with a little work, even you can become an internet sensation force your spouse and parents to read things you write.
With that I present to you: How To Write A Blog In Just 32 Short Steps.
- Think of amazing topic during an inopportune time, like at 2am, in the shower, or in the middle of a conversation with your very nice, but odiferous neighborhood homeless gentleman.
- Forget topic completely.
- Remember topic! Sit down to write. Get text from friend. Start texting. Check Facebook. Check NPR. Check Facebook. Get hungry. Make awesome joke to friend that reminds you of original topic idea. Decide to eat something, then write.
- Eat something. Decide to clean the kitchen to hide evidence of second breakfast, and first and second lunch.
- Sit down to write. Notice battery on compy is low. Stand up and plug compy into outlet at counter. Applaud yourself for standing and working because it’s better for your back. Sustain multiple attacks directed at your bare ankles from cat who doesn’t like you standing at counter because he is an angry asshole cat.
- Think of major downfall of once amazing topic. Decide you can no longer write about that topic. Wonder if you will ever think of another good topic.
- Think more about it and begin to question if you’ve ever written anything worth reading.
- Think more about it and convince yourself you’re a crap writer who has only ever written crap.
- Think more about it and decide you shouldn’t ever write anything again.
- Wonder if there is any way to completely delete everything you’ve ever put on the internet.
- Feel temporary sense of relief at prospect of no longer blogging. Wonder what you will do with all your free time.
- Consider taking up new hobby, like crocheting, or perhaps becoming the world’s leading expert on baby corn.
- In the midst of contemplating the origins of baby corn THINK OF BEST IDEA YET.
- Decide not to give up on blogging.
- Sit down on the couch, far from the reaches of angry asshole cat, with partially charged computer to write out first few lines of BEST IDEA YET.
- Reword them.
- Reword them.
- Reword them.
- Think of major downfall of BEST IDEA YET.
- Completely give the fu*k up. Delete everything.
- Shut off compy.
- Get in shower.
- Think of ACUTAL best idea yet.
- Get soap in your eye.
- Yell to husband to come in the bathroom so you can dictate the ACTUAL best idea yet.
- Husband doesn’t hear you.
- Become horribly frustrated with husband, and in a fit of eye-burning rage, think of 67 other topics you could write about.
- Realize ideas come and go. Feel strangely at peace with this.
- Get out of shower. Write whole post.
- Wonder if new post is crap. Wonder if you have a broken crap-gauge.
- Make husband read post while analyzing his every facial movement. Ask him repeatedly if post is funny. Ask him if your crap-gauge is broken. Ask him where baby corn comes from.
- Decide to just post it at the risk of further diminishing your chances of ever making friends, or obtaining any kind of real job where someone may look up your internet paper trail and decide you are stark raving mad.
And that, my friends, is how you write a blog post in just 32 short steps! Easy as pie. Now get to work!