Oh my gaaaawd, Mommymommymommymoooooooommmmmy, I am so hungry! It’s been a full 20 minutes since I was last offered a sub-par snack, which, due to it’s sub-par nature, I declined by dumping it in the kitty water bowl. Phew, dodged that bullet! Just FYI, last I checked, I wasn’t on a hunger strike, so let’s make this snack prep snappy.

Here, let me help. I’ll just open the fridge and point at what I’d like. Ooooh, what do we have here? Hummus? And grapes?! That is what I want. Also crackies, you know, so I don’t have to use my hands, like some kind of animal. You’re asking me if I want crackers? No. Crackies. Get it straight. I’m so simple and easy to please. I’m really not sure why you haven’t figured me out yet.

Hold on, why are you carrying me away from the hummus and grapes? Why are you strapping me in my chair? I want to manage the preparation of the food because you will no doubt screw it up. You are cutting the grapes. I CAN HEAR YOU CUTTING THE GRAPES. You are RUINING the grapes!

Okay, points for putting this round of snack on my favorite plate, you know, the one shaped like a bunny that always gets stuck in the dishwasher. But still, you cut the grapes. I can’t promise I’m going to eat these grapes in their new, unnatural form.

Taste test… okay, these grapes are edible. I love these grapes, actually. Grapes, grapes, grapes, I love grapes. I love them so much, I’m going to eat them all an once. Why are you slapping grapes out of my hands? You said slapping food out of people’s hands is rude, but there you go, slapalapadingdonging all the grapes out of my hands. I don’t know why you look so worried, I only have 11 grapes in my mouth right now. I know I can fit 15.

Waaaaaaait a hot minute, what are YOU eating? Eggs? Hardboiled eggs? And you didn’t think to ask if I wanted one? I want an egg!

You are cutting it again. Why must you always cut my food? I have three top teeth now, you know. I’m not sure what you think those are for, except for obviously communicating my extreme displeasure with you under certain circumstances, which I’d do if I wasn’t strapped into this chair like a monkey in a rocket.

Why are you only giving me half the egg? I want the whole egg. Pleeeeeease! Please can I have the full egg. Oh, you want me to taste the egg first? You know I love eggs, but okay, just because I love you more than WHATTHECRAPISTHIS? This egg tastes like egg. I hate egg. You know that. I’m so miserable I’m going to mash it up in my mouth, combining it with hummusy saliva, and then spray it all over. You’ve heard of eggshell paint, right? It’s not that dissimilar. This place needs a paint job anyway. I’m doing you a favor. Now will you do me a favor? Never serve me this crap again, capisce?

Moving on, let’s discuss the hummus. First of all, your choice of crackies is pretty plain. Whole wheat, you say? The only thing “whole” about them is that they are wholly disappointing. What happened to the bright orange crackies? Are we too good for fun shapes now? You know what? These crackies are just empty calories, and I’m going to do us both a favor and just use my fingers, because at least then I get a little flavor from the carpet, the outdoor furniture, and the cat to accompany my olive hummus, which is otherwise completely lacking in flavor. Problem is, when I use my hands, they get sticky. We both know I don’t like sticky hands. Why don’t you quick quick go grab a damp cloth, with room temperature water -NOT warm, like last time- and wipe me down so I can get a fresh bite. Yes, with my fingers. Now wipe me.

Why are you wiping my face? I’m not done! I want more grapes! But not these grapes. I want the grapes off your plate. Also I want your water. Specifically, I’d like to dip my lips and tongue into your water glass so I can wash my face like a real person, not with that rag you keep attacking me with.

Okay, I’m done. One more thing, can I get an apple bar? I’m starving.