To The Thoughtful and Exceedingly Talented Individual Who Tagged My Car Yesterday,

Let me start by saying thank you. In a world drowning in gray, mid-size SUVs, your addition of the word “MIUe” is a special way to stand out from all the rest. Also, it doesn’t escape me that you have picked my favorite color, hospital scrub blue, to adorn our once Plain Jane car. Now, when driving around, I’m constantly reminded to be extra safe, so as to not end up in a hospital, surrounded by people wearing those aforementioned scrubs.

I would be remiss, however, to leave out a few thoughts I have on your piece, as no artist is ever fully developed without a little critique here and there!

For one, as far as I know, “MIUe” isn’t a word. I googled it, and nothing really definable came up. Perhaps I’m misreading it? Or perhaps, being the young and likely tech savvy individual I’m sure you are, you were relying on autocorrect to fix your mistake? Were you trying to write “MOVe” or “MINe,” maybe? Because isn’t the act of tagging a way of marking one’s property? Just for the record, the car does indeed belong to my husband and me, but like I said before, there are so many gray, mid-size SUVs around, I can see why you were confused. I should also mention, if you were labeling our car “MINe” as a way of expressing an interest in purchasing the car, we’d be happy to sell it to you, as-is of course, for a reasonable sum.

If, by chance, you intentionally did this with the idea this would be something I would actually want, let me offer you a few suggestions about what I would have preferred, so we could both accomplish our shared goals of expressing individuality, and showcasing your brilliant artistic abilities:

• I would have loved something that says a little something about who I am as a person. Something like, “Hold on to your butts,” for example. It is my favorite quote from my favorite movie, so it’s an obvious choice for my first pick. If possible, I’d love it in Comic Sans font, you know, just to really tell people, “I’m a real hoot!”
• This picture would also be a dazzling addition to our ride, assuming you had the time, between guzzling your 40 of Miller High Life, and you know, defacing people’s property:
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• Fun fact about me, I’m always hungry, so something like, “Caution: Hangry Driver! Stay Back 50 Feet and Send Pizza,” would actually come in handy.
• If you were really just into doing one word, I think I would have gone with something a little more chill, like “PEACe,” “LOVe” or “GETTHEFUCKOUTOFMYTAILPIPEYOUASSHOLe,” but that’s just me.
• An endorsement of my blog would have also been accepted. We could go the route of simply putting up the web address, and, if you were up to it, maybe adding, “My Dad Thinks It’s A Really Funny Blog,” underneath the address? I’ll give you creative process on this one since you are OBVIOUSLY so talented.

Lastly, if you actually did this with the intent of causing mischief, let me assure you, if I ever catch you doing something like this again, I will rip your nuts off. True story.

So Cheers! Stay classy, my friend!

~Emily