10 Clues Becoming A Parent Has Turned You Into A Superhero

1. You spawned a life. Not to take away from the male, um, contribution, but growing a baby in your stomach, and then surviving their transition to the outside world, seems like pretty convincing street cred supporting your new Superhero status.

2. You can see seconds into the future. You know before anyone else does that your kid is about test the gravitational pull of the earth with their forehead. You are aware of their next move before they are aware of their next move. If you had more time on your hands, you could open up a 1-800 hotline and tell people their (immediate) futures, but let’s be honest. If you had more time on your hands, you’d take a shower and maybe, just maybe, brush your teeth.

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I am “knows who Miss Cleo is” years old.

3. You have superhuman reflexes that, when coupled with Superhero power #2 mentioned above, allow you to prevent any number of daily disasters. You can catch your kid, mid-fall, and have an uncanny ability to snare anything making the short journey from your kids mouth to their party dress. These same reflexes have saved your toddler AND your iPhone from a watery toilet grave/unwelcome wastewater booty bath. You could probably catch a fly with chopsticks, but then you’d just be showing off.

4. You can survive on minimal sleep for years and somehow not turn into a Supervillain. Usually.

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It’s a tuba playing penguin in a tutu, right?

5. Your nutritional needs are somehow met by some combination of eating scraps of small slobbery cracker bits, and sips of pureed food product you squish out of the bottom of packets before throwing them away (and feeling eternally guilty for feeding your kid out of something so wasteful, BUT IT’S THE ONLY THING SHE EATS).

6. You have superhuman hearing. Not only can you hear even the most subtle of midnight whimpers cluing you into an oncoming cold, but you can hear silence, and in a household where toddler’s reside, silence is the most concerning sound of all.

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Calm yourselves, it’s cocoa powder.

7. While we are on the topic of superhuman senses, you can smell your own child’s feces from across the library. Knowing this, I propose a shift in the old fart saying to “If you smelt it, your child dealt it.”

8. You can multitask like an octopus on speed. Enough said.

9. You can stop an oncoming car in its tracks by using only your eyes. (This has only proved effective when standing on the sidewalk at a crosswalk, which admittedly may play a role. Do not try this at home.)

10. Your heart now resides outside of your body. This was not explained clearly during your hospital discharge, and none of your post-partum appointments addressed this, but somehow your heart now walks two steps ahead of you, skipping through puddles and sniffing flowers on the side of the road. Anything that can survive with their heart on the outside of their bodies HAS to be a Superhero.

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So what do you think? Do you have any other super powers I failed to mention?

Image credits: Miss Cleo, Rorschach test, Cocoa powder, Baby 1.0 photo property of HMDHM, Cover image– if you like this picture, follow the link for more AMAZING creations by Andry Rajoelina.

29 comments

    1. Oh no! Brown shoe polish would be an interesting mess! I’m waiting for the day I leave something out that really makes a mess… so far so good. Although with my last post about getting locked in the bathroom by the baby, it seems I’m destined for disaster sooner or later!

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  5. Oh man, the multi-tasking! Even though my husband is the one who stays home (read: should be better than me at this), when I’m home he just gazes in awe at the number of things I coordinate at once. Especially when we’re out of milk and eggs and bread and ice cream (Oh God the ice cream!) and we have EXACTLY 30 minutes to get everyone dressed for the weather, out the door, and to the store before they close. And the store is 25 minutes away.

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  13. Ability to consume food in secret without moving your mouth!! LOL
    Hit the nail on the head and confirmed what I have been suspecting all of these years – I AM A SUPERHERO!!!! I will proudly start wearing my cape out in public. . well, no I would need to conceal my identity. Okay, I will proudly wear my cape around the house! yup!! Thanks to you! 🙂 🙂 🙂 LOL Great Post!

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    1. Yay! I’m so glad you liked it! And yes to the food… I’m still working on that super skill! When you learn how to open the chip bag silently, let me know? That thing is like ringing the dinner bell on a ranch!

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