The Thought Process Of A Mom Locked In A Bathroom While Her Toddler Roams Free In The House

Yesterday Baby 1.0 pulled the world’s best/worst April Fools Day prank on me, and locked me in the bathroom while we were alone during the day. How did she manage such a feat, you may ask? Well, it’s a multi-step process that Baby 1.0 mastered in one try. Step 1: Shut bathroom door. Step 2: Open adjacent laundry room door as wide as it will go. Step 3: Watch person on the other side of the door struggle because the laundry room door is wedged against the bathroom door, thereby preventing it from opening. Step 4: Under no circumstances are you to follow their instructions of “Just shut the door, Baby!” no matter how upset you may become, because then it would be a lame prank.

So what exactly goes through a person’s mind after becoming locked in a bathroom, separated from their toddler, who is free in a house full of possibilities and potential danger?

1. Holy shit. This can’t be happening. This is… funny? How absurd it would be if I was actually locked in my bathroom, while my 20 month old had the run of the house all to herself for an undetermined amount of time. I can’t really be locked in here.

2. Holy shit. This is happening. What. The. Fuck? How am I locked in my bathroom? What piece of furniture do we possess that a 25 pound kid could drag over in the 2 seconds it took for her to shut the door, and for me to try to open it, that would be so heavy I couldn’t move it? Is she, as I’ve often thought, an actual baby witch who has just cast a spell on the door? How would Harry Potter open a door?

3. Holy shit. Did I leave anything super dangerous, like a box of poisonous snakes or an open container of tar, easily accessible on the floor? Is the front door locked? Can she reach the oven buttons?

4. Holy shit. I have to get out of here. I have to keep the baby near me, and I have to get out of here. I have to say something to keep her interested, but not tip my hand that I’m a little panicked.

5. Holy shit. She sensed panic in my voice. The baby is panicking. The baby is screaming. Okay. I will… I will… use a bath toy to… um. Okay. I need an ax. I will sing a song. I will sing a song and think about how Harry Potter would conjure up an ax.

6. Holy shit. I need to reread the Harry Potter series. Expecto Patronus? Muggle wart? Wiggle blood? Twinkle Twinkle, little baby, I hope that’s not you digging in the liter box. Fuck.

7. Holy shit. I have to break the door down. Forget Harry Potter, I need to conjure up Patrick Swayze, a la Dalton in Road House, and round house kick this door to the ground. I should google how to kick a door down.

8. Holy shit! I have my phone!? I have my PHONE! I will phone a friend!

9. Holy shit. Help is on the way. We are saved. We are saved as soon as daddy can walk 10 blocks. Daddy should run. I should call Daddy back and tell him to run. Thank God I didn’t kick the door down.

10. Holy shit. It’s been 45 seconds. Why isn’t Daddy here yet? Why isn’t he sprinting through traffic, like a modern-day track star prince, running as fast as he can to get here and free me from my prison?

11. Holy shit. This is actually kind of romantic, screaming baby and musty bath mat aside. When else has my husband had an opportunity to “save me?” He’s my hero!

12. Holy shit. If I didn’t have a kid, getting locked in the bathroom would be a spa day. I could take a bath, and shave my legs. I could exfoliate or moisturize. I could rearrange the bathroom cabinet, or take a nap. Or I could cut my hair. Yep. If I didn’t have a kid I would cut my hair. And fo’ sho, I would regret it.

13. Holy shit. I think my kid actually loves me. I mean, she is really upset. I had no idea she would be this upset. And listen to her saying “up please?” What a good little girl. She can only be this upset if she actually loves me. Poor little poodle pie.

14. HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?! JUST GET HERE. GET HERE NOW BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO KEEP HER HERE AND NOT SCREAMING IS TO SMUSH MY FACE UP AGAINST THE BOTTOM OF THE DOOR AND BLAST “SHAKE IT OFF” AND MY PHONE BATTERY IS DYING. GET HERE!

15. Holy shit! He’s HERE! He’s HERE! I’m FREE!

16. Don’t make fun of me. Don’t make me explain in detail how it happened. Just open the door, and let me hug and kiss our little baby, even though she’s covered in snot and tears, and has a booger the size of a garbanzo bean on her cheek. Let me make sure she knows I would never intentionally leave her.

While we got away relatively unscathed, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I didn’t have my phone, or if my husband didn’t answer. Lesson learned, folks! Keep your phone close, and your doors open! Alternatively, you could become a witch, or learn how to break down doors using nothing but the power of a well delivered round house kick. Your choice. Happy belated April Fools Day!

Photo credits: Cover photo

37 comments

  1. Good grief. Well done you for not hulking out on the door. I probably would have. Or rather I would have tried, grieviously injured myself and wound up in accident and emergency. Sometimes there’s a risk of that when I’m just walking around though…
    #fridayfrolics

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  4. Hilarious! U remember when my little sister was licked in the kitchen due to a dodgy latch. She was under 2 if I remember correctly. The things that run through your mind. The cooker, gas, fire, gosh! Anyway the fire brigade came in the end to let her out. We all laugh about it now but because I’m 15 years older than her, even though haven’t been through this with my own, I sort of know how you felt cause I’m almost like a mum to her. You can laugh about it now too.

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  5. I love the way to described it! Even though it wasn’t the funniest of situations I couldn’t help but laugh at your description. I could totally see Avery doing that to me 🙂

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    1. Thanks! Yes. It was kind of funny, and kind of scary. Also kind of gross since I was literally laying on my bathroom floor, which apparently could use a deep cleaning! Watch yourself, now 😉

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  6. Oh my goodness, you just described my nightmare (only I don’t have a phone and it’s the front door that’s shut with the baby inside and no keys on me). Well done for staying calm (ish) 🙂

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    1. Haha, thanks! Yes, again, so glad I didn’t try to go Rambo on the door. It isn’t solid wood, but I’m also not a ninja, so I’m not sure how it would have gone! Can’t imagine my landlord being too pleased either… I hope your nightmare stays as just that!

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  9. My son did it the other way around and managed to lock himself in the bathroom. Pre-cellphone days and we didn’t even have a landline at the time.
    I ended up having to climb in the window – three months pregnant and a small window…

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  10. lol it’s a good thing you were already in the bathroom because you could have shit your pants if locked in somewhere else, at least I know I would have lol

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  11. Oh dear god! I can feel the panic with each sentence beginning with “holy shit!” The way you wrote it is really funny. Thank god for cell-phone. I cannot imagine what would/could happen if you don’t have your phone with you there and then! Gosh. LOL.

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  12. Emily!! This is both horrifying and hilarious. You poor things! I left Baby Girl playing in the car inside the garage last week, realizing only when I heard the smug ‘click-click’ of the central locking that I’d also left the keys in the car. The little rat had managed to close all the doors I’d carefully left open, insert keys into the ignition AND press the button to lock the doors. I was beside myself. She was in heaven. Luckily I had my phone on me (don’t we always??), so I could call roadside assistance to come and rescue her. Even luckier, as I was circling the car looking for the sticker that has the number on it, I discovered one door wasn’t quite closed. Phew! Lesson learned. Keys in one hand, toddler in the other from now on.

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  13. This is so funny. I am sure you don’t think so, but in a few years you will see the humor. Otherwise, good for you for not busting down the door. I would have seriously panicked. The things our children do to us!! I bet you will be removing/changing the laundry room door now!

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  15. Holy Shit this is absolutely hilarious (see what I did there?)!! Im glad everything turned out ok, but your telling of it had me in stitches!!

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