7 Parenting Terms To Know If You Have A Toddler

Of all the surprising things I’ve accomplished since becoming a parent, learning how to speak, or at least understand, a new language is somewhere near the top of my list. I’ve always known babies babble, but what I didn’t realize is that over time, one can actually come to make sense of their own baby’s nonsensical drivel. At least most of it. Sometimes. Maybe.

In addition to now knowing “apple” means “pear” and “no” generally means “yes” except for when it really means “no” or “maybe later,” I have also developed a special language with my husband to quickly communicate about our most common scenarios.

Here are our 7 favorite toddler terms:

1. Rage Planking- When a cloud of hot rage overcomes your toddler, and they drop to the ground, in perfect plank position, and scream until they turn purple. Burns calories, and scares off anyone within a 30 foot radius.

2. Textertaining– When you get stuck in your rocker because your toddler will only nap if you hold them, and you force your husband to text you jokes and gossip after you already read through everything Buzz Feed has to offer, and are certain that if you see one more vacation photo on Facebook, you’re going to combust.

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This little exchange was surprisingly entertaining, but it still doesn’t answer the question of WHY textertaning autocorrects to textertraining every time.

3. Spite Licking– When you say “no” to something redonkulous, like your toddler’s request to use the litter box scoop as a toothbrush, and they immediately turn and lick the closest thing to them. The licking target could be ANYTHING, so caution must be used when determining when to deliver the bad news that no, they cannot stand on the TV stand and rip holes in the paper lampshade with the dirty fork they took out of the dishwasher.

4. Chipmunking- The art of a toddler packing 4 crackers, a hunk of cheese, and a bit of strawberry from two days ago into their cheek until the moment they decide they no longer want them, and they then spray them all over the wall, like a slobber-filled culinary machine gun, and promptly demand more crackers.

5. The Abyss- Describes the exact location in the car where a toddler will drop a high value item (water bottle, Dog Dog, snack cup) that cannot be reached without pulling over, getting out, and opening the door. (It should be noted I stole this particular term from my brother-in-law. Sorry, bro.)

6. The Classic Hold Me, Don’t Hold Me- The inspiration for this blog, and the way I lost all the baby weight. As the name implies, it’s the action of requesting to be held, and then upon being picked up, deciding they don’t want to be picked up, unless of course you plan on putting them down, then they will resist mightily and cling to you like a vivacious starfish.

7. The Temple of Doom- When a toddler attempts to remove your soul via your nose or the deepest recesses of your mouth, by use of shockingly inhuman strength, and lack of empathy regarding pain being inflicted.

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Baby 1.0 performing the dreaded Temple of Doom. My soul was safe though because I already sold it for a night of uninterrupted sleep, which I didn’t get.

Anyone else have anything the have a funny name for? I’d love to hear it!

Image credits: Cover image, others belong to HMDHM

17 comments

  1. Love my new word for the day- redonkulous! I think it is a made up word? Perfect! Seraphina is being redonkulous when she throws the book at my head just after we have cuddled and sweetly read I Love You Through and Through by Bernadette Rossetti- Shustak, as only a 2 year old can do! I would understand if she lopped Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi at me, but she is fascinated by that book!

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    1. Haha! Yes, that is an appropriate use of that word. Fi is also a fan of the toy toss, although it’s most often a small toy train that is turned into the perfect toddler missile. Yikes!

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  2. Oh my, these terms are spot on! Lilly does all of these and more, but if we start naming them all we’ll end up with a thesis as thick as a dictionary 😝

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  3. Chipmunking… so much of that today. Asked for a carrot (yes, a whole carrot, cause somehow having smaller, more manageable pieces changes the entire integrity of the item previously called a carrot) this morning, and he nibbles on it till his mouth is full, then opens the cavern and tips the pulverised bits to the floor. I followed him around with the brush and dustpan.
    So today we started to “learn” that he will be cleaning up after himself… That will encourage him to swallow it instead, right? Right?

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    1. Yesterday our little spit out 7 crackers. SEVEN! I honestly don’t know how she gets them in there. I was watching her and thinking “Okay, she’s actually swallowing them today.” Wrong again! Needless to say, I ended up with a handful of slobbery, disgusting crackers. Thanks for stopping by!!

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  4. Excellent list! We use the phrase “Doing Chores” for most adult activity. When we “do chores” in the kitchen it’s usually sneaking a snack. Since our kids fear they will get sucked into having to do a chore, they avoid the room.

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    1. SUCH A GOOD IDEA! I’m so tired of sharing my snacks, and especially my cool, clean, freshly poured water that our toddler insists on drinking from, and subsequently depositing mouth residue in…

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  6. Haha! Yes to all. Especially the last two. Our “hold me-dont hold me” moments are also followed by the scream that splits the earth when we either fail to hold him…or put him down.

    New reader- already a fan!

    #BigFatLinky

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